After a fair amount of argument and a spot of desk thumping action we’ve decided to go crazy for the Champions League Final. We’re offering to refund all losing win-draw-win, goalscorer, correct score and half-time/full-time bets if Cristiano Ronaldo scores in normal time!

Given that he’s 7/4 to do exactly that, I reckon this must be the most generous ’special offer’ ever run by any bookie ever. It would definitely make it on to “Now That’s What I Call Money-Back Specials Vol. 1″

It’s always difficult to come up with these offers. On the one hand we love rewarding our regular punters, but then on the other the potential cost is enormous and there’s always the possibility of some bizarre scam dreamt up by some crazy Russian genius. That’s what causes the arguments. It doesn’t usually come to desk-thumping but I suppose when a couple of million quid is at stake tempers get frayed. At least we’re pretty confident that the crazy Russian genius is out of luck this time – or so our boffins tell us.

Given the circumstances, with two English teams in the final for the first time ever and coming at the end of another fantastic season, we felt we just had to give something back. If you want to do us a favour, when the little fecker scores a toe poke in the last minute of injury time, remember who your favourite bookie is.

When Harry Redknapp was caught making non-committal small talk with an undercover reporter the world suddenly realised that this man could maybe, possibly, perhaps, in theory, if the right set of circumstances were to occur, be a little less than totally honest. As the police frantically rubbed a couple of sticks together and the press reminded us of the eternal connection between smoke and fire, a swath of previously unseen cherry trees lay hewn at the feet of the Portsmouth manager as he hid the offending axe in the small of his back, without a glimmer of guilt betraying the man we now knew could indeed tell a lie. Maybe. Hypothetically.

Add into the mix a referee who was suspended from his position because of his involvement with a horse racing betting company and we have the makings of a conspiracy theory, just in case Cardiff lose, which they probably will because Portsmouth are just a tiny bit better. It could be worth noting that ‘arry was involved in a bit of bovver over a horse he was given by football agent Willie McKay but which couldn’t be considered a bribe because it turned out to be slower than Rio Ferdinand reciting the twelve times tables.

It doesn’t end there though because I can exclusively reveal (by googling Mike Dean and clicking on the first story I found on the official FA website) that the man who is about to take the reins of moral guidance for one of the biggest domestic games of the season isn’t that big a football fan after all. He just can’t say no to that second slice of lemon cheesecake. “I thought that I’d give refereeing a go to try and lose a little bit of weight.”

The plot thickens, like Mike Dean’s waist when he’s not allowed to ref games because he might be a bit partial towards Merseyside’s Reds so he cheers himself up with a box of chocolate eclairs. Sightings of the balding man in black belting out a verse of Poor Scouser Tommy on the Kop are as of yet unconfirmed but we await eagerly for breaking news. This impartial counsel, favouring neither one team nor the other, unless he happens to live nearby, has had the question of his indifference to anything but the rules of the game undermined by those who appointed him to the position in the first place. There’s a story here somewhere.

The overwhelming evidence which the police have uncovered and used to leave Mr Redknapp completely out of jail, living his normal life, as though he is a completely innocent man who’s been proven to have done nothing more than have a not very sincere and not very businessy chat with a BBC reporter. “About as revealing as a muslim lapdancer,” read one review. This one. Nevertheless the question of a fix is out there. Now all that’s needed is the proof.

Whether you believe this or not will depend upon how strong your grasp of reality is. If it is firm then the only conclusion is that this game is Portsmouth’s to lose. Cardiff have some quality but the best of it rests on tired legs and the possibility that Robbie Fowler can return from a long injury layoff and be able to compete with Premier League players is the stuff of fantasy. Something his old club may have dealt in but Cardiff have used up all their luck just getting to the final. To expect anymore may be a burden too heavy for the players to carry, particularly those whose backs aren’t what they used to be. Portsmouth’s players are stronger, fitter, quicker, more skilled. The likes of Krancjar and Kanu can create chances against backlines more formidable than that of the Ninian Park side. Utaka and Diarra can break up play and give Pompey a physical presence in the midfield and though Portsmouth’s rearguard may contain a few veterans itself, theirs are in far better nick than Fowler, Hasselbaink and Sinclair.

It’s never good to write a team completely off because there are things that may happen which none of us can foresee. Those things don’t happen everyday and as funny an old game as football may be the only way to get a chuckle out of this year’s FA Cup final is to back the favourite to prove too much for the luck of the plucky underdog……107 steps await Harry Redknapp and beyond lay foreign shores…even if it’s mainly the ones that are really hard to pronounce, it’s still Europe after all.

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In the spirit of giving stuff away for free just for the hell of it there’s a £35/€50 free bet for the best replies to this piece. That doesn’t mean some lame joke, just the smartest, funniest or most accurately predictive messages about the game itself. If there happen to be a few good ones I’ll let you guys vote on it. That way you can’t give me any guff.

With the exception of Kerry, the All-Ireland Football Championship offers a complex conundrum that requires deciphering in order to find provincial winners and possible challengers to the Kingdom’s crown. In contrast, the All-Ireland Hurling Championship is far less bewildering. The chasm between the levels of the sport is of Grand Canyon proportions.

At the top, we have Kilkenny, a county with a seemingly never-ending conveyor belt of talent. Some have suggested that without Henry Shefflin, they may not be as threatening, I beg to differ. Climbing their way up are Cork, Waterford, Tipperary, Galway and Limerick - just about. Even last year’s runners-up are beginning to slip into a quandary despite their consistent underage success. Offaly, Wexford and Clare have descended in recent years and much work is needed to get them back up. The rest, Dublin, Antrim and Laois are beginning a climb from the bottom, but it’ll take years to reach the top – though the middle is the best they can hope for. Despite optimism among Dublin ranks, none of it has come to fruition. The rest might as well ditch the climbing equipment and play tiddlywinks; little do they seem to improve through the Christy Ring and Nicky Rackard competitions.

In analysing the Championship, you begin to realise that it is unbelievably and disappointingly predictable. Having said that, as we all know, on any given Sunday, things don’t always go according to the script. However, this year, it’s hard to find evidence to the contrary. With their off-field wrangling, Cork’s participation in the league was pointless and although we can’t gauge this as a pointer to their potential credentials, we know it has had a negative effect on the county. An aging side, somewhat struggling will do well to reach the semi-finals. Similarly, Waterford’s day in the sun may have passed them by. Justin McCarthy openly admitted the League would be nothing more than an instrument to blood new players. Mentally fragile, the impact of losing to Limerick in the semi-final after beating fierce rivals Cork may have been a detrimental blow. Tipperary were consistent throughout their league campaign, beating Kilkenny at Nowland Park in the semi-final and disposing of a hotly tipped Galway team in the final. They are building a team, but it could be too early for them. Time will tell. The Tribesman on the other hand, despite the aforementioned loss, may be the only team that can challenge the Cats. With the return of the experienced Ollie Canning, the belated introduction of his phenomenally talented brother Joe and manager Ger Loughnane finally getting the right mix of players to gel, they’ll push all the way. Though, inevitably, The Cats will get the cream.

Magistrate: ‘But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn’t you give her half the road?’
Motorist: ‘I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.’

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.”
Husband: “Water in the carburettor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburettor is. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In the swimming pool.”

Firstly, before anybody starts whinging, I know road safety is a very important subject. This is Danica Patrick (image above) – recently, this lady destroyed the stereotype that all women are crap drivers when winning the Indy Japan 300. Pandering to women’s sensibilities and possibly being a sexist pig in the process, I knew it was too good to be true. At the weekend, when pulling into the pit lane during the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, she had a little accident. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt (see below). I’m calling for a law on women drivers not to drive below 30mph…on the Motorway, insist they keep their eyes open and don’t put on make-up while driving.

My granddad used to say, ‘Life was so much better before they put a window in the Kitchen.’ Have your say on Women drivers. Ladies, defend yourself!!

Is Dustin headin’ for the slaughter house or will he be flying high in Belgrade? With just over a week to go until the qualifying show that’s the million dollar question! Or €5million question if you’re RTE!

The good news is Dustin is odds-on at 2/5 to at least qualify for the Euroviosn final but with Europe spitting feathers over the fact there’s a brazen bird making a mockery of their song contest, it could go horribly wrong for the foul mouthed turkey.

In fact with all the bad press he’s been receiving lately our one time favourite Dustin has slipped to sixth place in the Eurovision outright betting and is now 8/1 to emerge victorious!

I don’t know what everyone is complaining about anyway – the Eurovision has been a joke for years now what with block voting and ridiculous acts. Terry Wogan is the only part of the show I take seriously!

So isn’t it about time Europe stopped crying foul over Dustin and accepted the Eurovision for what it is – one big joke!

Break a leg Dustin!!

Glory’s Within Range!

“Don’t worry, it’s just a standard confidentially clause that says if you reveal any secrets about the club, we reserve the right to take you to court and sue you for every penny you have,” the manager explained, before playing the trump card, “it’s the same one Henrik Larsson had to sign when he joined the club.”
Given that every penny I had was essentially the 500 I’d scrape together for a weekly six-pack of Druids cider (the cider so low quality that they decided it was best not to print the ingredients on the can), I wasn’t too worried about the financial penalty, but I did feel it was overly forceful for 16 year old’s summer job. But I was young and I needed the money, so I signed 12 weeks of my life away to Glasgow Celtic Football Club.

Despite the impending legal threat, it’s a decade on and I feel confident I can reveal some of the secrets namely:

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Okay it’s the final day and though Man Utd have the title within their reach there’s plenty of time for things to go horribly wrong. Will Steve Bruce rip up his invitation for a post match tipple with his former boss and give Avram Grant the opportunity to prove us all wrong? Should United fail at this final hurdle then they don’t deserve to be champions and, as painful as this is to admit, Chelsea will be the best team in the league. We paid out on the Reds ages ago but it wouldn’t be the first time we’ve been caught out. I don’t expect United to throw it away now but I didn’t expect Liverpool to do it back in 1989. even to this day I wonder if Grobelaar could have rushed out a little quicker at Thomas’ feet and watching that clip I still want his neck stand to go horribly wrong. Not really of course because we got revenge by buying Thomas and ruining his career but it was the first time a football game made me cry and the scars have never fully healed. I’d like to point out that I was of an age where blubbing in public was seen as cute and not a blemish on my manhood. Will United fans find it as difficult to look back on this day in 19 years time? Probably not but it’s football…..

Down the bottom is where the real excitement is. Fulham, Reading and Birmingham are battling for their lives and only one survives. If Reading can’t beat Derby then they deserve to go down but that may happen regardless, Birmingham will have a battle on their hands against Blackburn but if luck goes their way a point could be enough while Fulham control their own destiny. They are the only one of the three who won’t enjoy home advantage on the final day but with nothing to play for Portsmouth will either be a soft touch because the players will have both eyes on the FA Cup Final or they’ll put on a show in their final game at Fratton Park to ensure they start at Wembley. A tough one to call and with no preference for any of the three I’m sitting on the fence.

Everton need only a point to secure fifth spot, a very achievable feat at Goodison Park against Newcastle, with Aston Villa playing West Ham you have to believe they’re going to need it.

How do you think things will end up?

The first person to get it exactly right gets a €50 free bet.

I may be a huge Grandstand nerd, but I think this is brilliant.

Already Playing Ketchup!
I’m not going to rain on West Brom’s parade, but that’s only because they won’t be having one. The Baggies have turned down the football’s finest cliché that is the bus through the town centre in favour of letting their players break up for holidays. “We regard this as only the start of an exciting journey under our management team,” the club statement optimistically reads, which in itself is a sensible attitude, but it will look a bit foolish if this journey is the first leg of a return ticket to the Championship.

Normally, you’d look at the newly promoted teams and think that they’re all set for a swift relegation. The glass-is-half-fullers point to the fact that key players such as Kevin Phillips, Zoltan Gera, Jonathan Greening, Liam Lawrence and Salif Diao have all had experience in the Premier League. But the truth is, over a sustained period, they haven’t cut the mustard in the top flight; they’ve been more like the cheap home brand ketchup – fine if your stuck for a few quid, but too much of it and you’ll start to notice that the lack of quality and watered down taste. Plus before too long you’ll be looking quizzically at the bottle wondering what the hell lycopene is.

The saving grace is that there a still a lot of bad teams in the Premier League. Come Sunday we’ll have two more to accompany the well intentioned but dreadful Derby on the journey down. That may seem a bit harsh on the resurgent Fulham, but for 3/4 of a season they have been rubbish and if we only used the Last 6 Games table as our Premier League, Newcastle could be about to pip Man Utd for a Champions League spot. Although the Toon Army will probably erroneously insist that’s where they deserve to be, it’s something which the rest of us can all agree would be a shambles.

Bolton, Wigan, Middlesbrough, Newcastle and - unless Roy Keane breaks the habit of a managerial lifetime by signing some useful players without handing over the shirt off his back - Sunderland will be involved in another relegation battle next year. As will one of Reading, Fulham and Birmingham. Combined with the knowledge that a team that finished below them in the Championship (possibly one managed by relegation expert and all round figure of hate, Neil Warnock) will also be coming up, that’s seven teams West Brom and Stoke will consider within range.

It would be great if Tony Mowbray kept West Brom up. He is a manager committed to coaching and improving players rather than wheeling and dealing or relying on dour tactics for results. His team played with style throughout their march to the Championship title and FA Cup run. Aforementioned doubts about the Premier League abilities of some his key players remain, but some shrewd summer signings [check out the alliteration!] would make survival a possibility. With less Premier League experience to call on within their ranks, Stoke have a harder task on their hands. One thing in their favour is that Tony Pulis is fond of his substance rather than style, something that served Sam Allardyce well when he brought Bolton up, and they could grind out a position beyond the reach of the gaping jaws of relegation.

Normally the step up to the top flight is too much too soon for Championship teams, but with a real lack of quality at the bottom of the top flight, WBA and Stoke may not need to book their return journeys for a while yet.

Like whispering in a night club, the All-Ireland Football Championship will start with a barely audible meow as opposed to a loud, imposing bark this weekend. It’s a long, hard road to Croke Park, but who’ll be holding aloft the precious Sam Maguire Trophy this September?

Apart from the melee and tea throwing incidents at Parnell Park the National Hurling and Football Leagues were hardly worth watching and will prove to be inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. The O’Byrne Cup and the provincial equivalents are just pointless and serve only to…eh… …er….they serve nothing. League form will play little part in the outcome of the respective All-Ireland Championships. Case in point, Donegal last season. Rigid when winning the league, flopped like Pele in his new ad during the summer.
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