Subjects lampooned in today’s edition
- That whole he/she thing from the World Championships
- Mark Hughes is only in it for the thrill of the chase
- Jenson Button is an arse

The Story Of Two Quite Remarkable Men
God help us when Usain Bolt actually starts trying. He added another world record and gold medal double in the 200m to the feat he achieved in the 100m. In 19.19 seconds he managed to file his nails, catch forty winks, update his status on facebook and trounce everyone with all the effort of … er … a Cartoon Vampire trying to come up with a suitable metaphor.

In other athletics news, that bird/dude (delete as appropriate when the results come back from the lab) that won the 800m, may actually be a hermaphrodite. That’s when you’re born with both boys bits and girls bits. Jamie Lee Curtis was rumoured to be one, but then I saw that bit in Trading Places and she’s definitely not .*Pleasant Daydream* Anyhoo, if you’re wondering how I know so much about the subject, I watched a documentary on the subject. And by documentary, I mean Jerry Springer.

It’s Not My Fault There’s Always More Happening In Football
Everton boss David Moyes must take the unusual and immensely dangerous step of biting a bullet before selling Joleon Lescott to Man City, according to the Telegraph. It’s too bad Mark Hughes has done a Jordan. He doesn’t want the centre-half anymore. Or is it just more unnecessary posturing from the Welshman.
 
 
“My decision to manage a team in the Uzbek league had nothing to do with money and I’m a real boy,” insists ‘Big Pinocchio’ Scolari. A press release from disapproving Jiminy Cricket is surely imminent.
 
 
22 Year old Ipswich goalkeeper Shane Supple has quit professional football claiming he’s “fallen out of love with the game” or, probably and more accurately, he’s afraid of Roy Keane. If there’s anything scarier than a Cartoon Vampire, it has to be a Roy Keane.
 
 
Ahead of the start of the Italian season this weekend – and by Italian season I don’t mean a time of the year when people start eating a load of spaghetti, talking like Super Mario and taking an interest in young women girls about sixty years their junior, I mean Serie A – Palermo’s president rattles Jose Mourinho’s cage by telling the Special One that he ain’t so great. If I know Mourinho, and I think I do, he’ll take this one on the chin and let the whole episode blow over without turning it into a moronic war of words.

The Sizeable Cherry On Top Of Your Sports News Round Up
There will be no more pesky ‘did his head cross the goalline?’ debates in boxing. The Nevada boxing commission has decided that they will use TV replays to determine if cuts to the head were caused by accidental collisions (a la Amir Khan against Barerra) or from a good sound trashing. If Nevada does it, it’s probably going to go apply everywhere in the not so distant future. If only the same applied to $2 lap dances.
 
 
The Solheim Cup, the Ryder Cup for women, starts today. It’s not really news, unless you work for Sky Sports or you count Sky Sports News as your one and only news source. Catch it while you can, because it may not be around for much longer if the Americans keep spanking the bejaysus out of the Europeans. Actually, forget the golf, spanking might just be the way to get people watching. I’d tune in. I’m disappointed to learn the ridiculously attractive Maria Verchenova wasn’t called up to the team. Hopefully she’ll get the nod for the new and improved Spankarse Cup 2011, being held in my bedroom.
 
 
“I’m still the man to beat,” says Jenson Button. Oh, don’t tempt me Poshboy. For a man who’s main skill seems to be the ability to get into a car that’s way faster than all the others, he’s not half willing to brag.
 
 
When Lance Armstrong uses the internet to get into contact with strangers and arrange to meet them somewhere it gets called a bit of spontaneous kindness. When I do it, it gets called grooming.
 
 
On the 16th hole of his opening round at the Dutch Open in Dutchland, 16 year old Willem Vork was going along nicely at one under par in his national event. Somewhere in the background the Sky Sports golf marketing department were no doubt planning a ridiculously premature ad about next year’s US Open being a shootout between Tiger Woods and Vork – Rory McIlroy is old hat at this stage. One octuple bogey later and those plans were probably put on hold. Vork took a 13 on the par five to slide down the field. “Everything went wrong,” explained the young fella, just in case you were thinking it was some innovative new tactic of his.

This entry was posted on 1:00pm Friday, August 21st, 2009 at 1:00 pm and is filed under Competitions, Football, Golf. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. By commenting on this site you agree to abide by our terms and conditions.

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