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An Almost Transfer Rumour Free Zone
So we’re all set for another thrilling day of transfer deadline day drama? Bollocks to that. In the unlikely event that anything remotely interesting happens I may or may not mention it tomorrow. If you find today especially dramatic or interesting, you’re a simpleton. Or a Sky Sports News employee. And they’re not mutually exclusive. e.g. SSN Presenter: Tell me, how do loan deals work at this stage of the season?
In the build-up to the US Open John McEnroe suggested Andy Murray could win because Roger Federer may not have the hunger. His evidence? Federer and his wife Mirka recently had twins and as everyone knows, having babies seriously diminishes your capacity to play tennis. Well, his nipples don’t seem to be chaffing too badly after breastfeeding because Federer made very light work of winning his 1st Round match at Flushing Meadows and in doing so became the first player to break the $50 million in career earnings. With almost two weeks to go until the final, already it looks like McEnroe’s worst decision since the horrific afro and red sweatband of the 1980s.
In other news from New York, Venus Williams struggles to victory in her opening match, but at least avoids a gender test. No seeds fall in either the men’s or women’s events, but we’ve seen the last of peanut smuggler, Jelena Dokic. That complete lack of shocks means I’m a little low on actual insults, but Andy Murray is going to feature on a rap by tennis doubles combo, Mike and Bob Bryan. Rap album? Well, they seem to have left out one letter, but we get the message. With all the moans and groans that come out of him, I’m imagining at 21st century reworking of Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin’s Je t’aime with Murray as Gainbourg and Maria Sharapova as Birkin. Actually, sod that, I’ll just imagine Maria Sharapova.
Introducing The Stationary Door
I love a good conspiracy theory. Did you know it wasn’t really Al Queda who were first to land the World Trade Centre on the moon? It was Professor Plum with the candlestick in the Dallas Depository. But even this one is a bit much for even me. The Croatian Football Federation claim English players have been trying to injure their players ahead of the World Cup qualifier next week. Their argument seems to centre around Luca Modric’s broken leg against Birmingham and after reviewing the incident I can tell you the only way an English player injured him was if they played a Jedi mind trick on Modric and got him to do it himself. I’m going to file this one under ‘B’ – for ‘Bollocks – complete and utter’.
Liverpool’s orchestrator of banter at inopportune moments and very, very occasional flapper at crosses, Charles Itandje is sent out on loan to some club I’ve never heard of. Don’t let the door close suddenly on your fingers and destroy your career on the way out. [I'm aware that was a transfer story, but it's a different kind of transfer story.]
In a knee-jerk reaction to a problem that’s been going on for a long time, the Daily Mail launch a campaign to name and shame divers. If belated and ultimately pointless campaigns are the order of the day, I’d like to launch my campaign to name and shame British newspapers that were supportive of Hitler and Mussolini in the build up to WWII. The list is a bit bare at the moment – the Daily Mail.
Sir Alex Ferguson feels it’s an “insult” that people have suggested he needs to strengthen his squad. He’s dead right. As long as opposition teams play well but then hand victory to him on a plate, he’s got nothing to worry about. Oh wait, that’s already happened, it was called the 2008-09 season.
I know it’s another transfer story, but it ends up with a link to some quality youtube footage. Ajax sign Kerlon on loan. The Brazilian is probably best known for his ’seal dribble’ when he balances the football on his forehead and runs. Strangely, the opposition don’t tend to like it.
Former NHL star, Sergei Federov might be the luckiest man alive. He got jiggy with Anna Kournikova a few yers back and now he’s getting $60 million. I supposed it’s a little unlucky to be robbed of millions in the first place, but still, he rode Kournikova.
Someone in West Indian Cricket says they’re not a second string team. They are though. Chris Gayle isn’t, but the rest are.
Wasps captain, Tom Rees says Danny Cipriani can take the club right back to the top. The only place Cipriani will be taking them is the local tranny club. If there is such a thing.
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