Andy’s Going To Win Ittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!
Andy Murray kicked off his bid to get thoroughly outclassed by Roger Federer in the final of the US Open with a comprehensive win over Ernests Gublis. The only blip in the straightforward three sets victory came when Murray fell after chasing a shot. He went crashing into Gublis’s kitbag and although he says it didn’t really hurt, I’m pretty sure he’s keeping that excuse on ice to wheel out when he doesn’t actually go on to win the event.

 
Fans of one trick ponies were left devastated as big serving one trick pony, Ivo Karlovic got knocked out whilst Stan Wawrinka confirmed his status as Switzerland’s second best player with an early exit from the event. It’s lucky Ana Ivanovic has already claimed her Grand Slam title, because she can’t seem to shake off the dose of Kournikovitis that’s been plaguing her for the last couple of seasons. She doesn’t say anything remotely interesting on her website, but it’s still a better link than most of the crap I put up here.

Hardly Any Transfer Garbage Football Bit
Dimitar Berbatov’s busy little fingers have got him in a spot of bother with a Bulgarian mobster. Well, let’s be honest, it was hardly going to be his busy little legs. If only he showed half as much interest in scoring goals as he did in pursuing other men’s women, he’d be banging them in. The goals, not the women.
 
If Stoke were trying to sign me, I’d probably put my phone on silent and hide behind the sofa until after 5pm on transfer deadline day as well.
 
Finally a bit of justice. Rafa Benitez is charged by the FA for improper conduct. I presume the charge dates back to early 2007 when he first grew that middle aged crisis goatee. A statement from the FA probably reads “What are you thinking? You’re a 49 year old man.”
 
Emmanuel Adebayor says that his former Arsenal team-mates are like “brothers”. He must mean in the Liam versus Noel, kicking lumps of shite out of each other way, because to the best of my knowledge, most of his Gunners siblings thought he was a bit of a dick.
 
Diego Maradona wishes he was “twenty years younger” so he could fill himself full of cocaine and then run around the pitch trying to kill Brazilians. And by Brazilians I mean people from Brazil, not the pubic hair arrangement.
 
After comparing him to a hedgehog, speculation is rife that Giovanni Trapattoni will run Stephen Ireland over in his car.
 
Rome wasn’t built in a day, but if Claudio Ranieri was in charge his tinkering might have sped up the whole process. Or destroyed all the good work that had already been done. I’m not sure how he’ll get on at Roma, but it should be a laugh watching.

Not Necessarily The Best Of The Rest. More Some Of The Rest.
For most of the year, the only pair of tits you see in golf belong to Colin Montgomerie. I thought there’d be a decent appetite for training up good looking women as caddies and unleashing them on the fairways, but the dinosaurs that run the game have pissed on the parade. Authorities say it damages the reputation of the game and that claim is somewhat backed up by the name of the service – Eye Candy Caddies.
Sample: “Why did you tell me I could reach a green 200 yards away in a strong headwind and over water with a three-quarter swing pitching wedge? Oh, it doesn’t matter, you’re hot.”
 
Annika Sorenstam gives birth to a wee baby girl. Mother and daughter are doing well, which is more than can be said for women’s golf.
 
Whoever’s in charge up there in the heavens - God, Mother Nature or the Easter Bunny – they’re clearly cricketing purists because they don’t like Twenty20.
 
Having never got a spring in the head, I don’t now how long it takes to recover from a spring in the head. It is however only a few months as Felipe Massa will be back in Snooremula 1 in time for the 2010 season.
 
The Welsh Rugby Union reveal they made a £1 millions profit last year days after it’s announced Gavin Henson may be quitting. It’s amazing how much that man was spending on fake tans and hair gel.
 
Cassius O’Grady visits his ancestral home and looks about as thrilled as anyone is to be in Clare.

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