You’re Net Gonna Like It
If I’m going to pay £4.99 to watch anything on the internet, it’s going to involve Russian lesbian twins, a room that’s too hot to wear clothes in and some sort of scenario whereby they both need to orgasm or the world will explode. If that’s likely to happen at any point during the Ukraine versus England World Cup qualifier, then I’ll consider it, but as I expect an already qualified England to faff about a bit in a dull defeat to Ukraine where Andriy Shevchenko scores the winner and then does some sort of celebration in which he tries to indicate that he’s not the crap goalhanger we saw at Chelsea (oh, but he is), me and my Kleenex will be spending Saturday evening elsewhere on the global superhighway.

What’s more, the £4.99 price is only available up until Wednesday, after that, it’s going to be £9.99 or as much £11.99 if you hold out until Saturday and then crack because you think you’re going to be labelled as some sort of turncoat and have the BNP spray-paint something badly spelt across the front of your house if you don’t support your country. Think about all the lesbians you’d get for £11.99!! Or don’t if you’re in work and planning to stand up anytime soon.

As usual, the FA have buried their heads in the sand and said it’s not their problem – although you probably won’t be able to hear them on account of the head being in the sand. They’ve no jurisdiction on who buys the rights for England’s away games and none of the TV channels reckon the glorified friendly is worth the money they’re asking. It’s also going to be shown in Odeon cinemas across the country. That’s novel because normally if you want to watch a few tits running around in something with a drearily predictable ending, you normally have to go and see a Sandra Bullock movie.

The Rest Of The Football News Round Up
- Scooby and the gang are speeding to Old Trafford with a real humdinger of a riddle to solve. Not for the first time, Man Utd players are falling victim to ‘mystery’ injuries just before a programme of international matches. It was old man Non Specific Hamstring Knack and he says he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids.
 
- Doing his own bit of mystery-solving, Alex Ferguson hits the nail on the head in finding out why Man United dropped points at home to Sunderland. It wasn’t a dreadfully wasteful and inadequate midfield, it was because Alan Wiley has been overdoing it on the pies lately. It’s alright, the FA are going to investigate which will give him an almighty slap on the wrists which has so hindered Fergie’s disrespectful comments in the past.
 
- 34 year old Gary Neville, yet to play in the Premier League for Man United this season, has dropped the bomb shell that his England career is coming to an end. In similarly shocking news Peter Crouch has revealed that he’s kind of tall.
 
- It was a shame that a game of football threatened to ruin what was an enjoyable afternoon of Didier Drogba falling down and grabbing his ankle. Despite the defeat, Rafa Benitez says Liverpool can still win the title. Next season, I presume he means.
 
- Everybody deserves a second chance. I’d have thought Steve Staunton was the obvious exception to that rule, but Darlington are happy enough to find out the hard way.

The Not Really Best Of The Rest
- I’d like to take a brief moment out of my sneering comments to salute Sea The Stars, who has overcome a crappy name to become possibly the greatest flat horse of all time.
 
- My commentary moment of the weekend. Moments after John Hayes was sent off for a disgusting attempt to burst Cian Healy’s head during the Leinster v Munster match, the commentators saying something along the lines of “oh, the ref must have made a mistake. John Hayes isn’t that sort of player.” One fairly conclusive replay later and those protestations were a lot more muted and the Bull was looking a lot more like the Bowyer.
 
- After winning Prizefighter on Friday, Audley Harrison insinuated that he was forced to leave the country because of a “terrible campaign” against him run by the BBC. Nothing to do with all the terrible performances you’ve put on since winning your gold medal then?
 
- I know with her being 54 it was always unlikely that Chris Evert and Greg Norman would produce and tennis and golfing superbaby, but science these days really is remarkable – they now have a Twix, but in the form of a milkshake. I’m not saying it won’t happen now that they’re getting divorced, but it’s going to take a lot of scientific progress and a few nights of drunken ‘I should have never let you go’ sex.
 
- Tired from all the sitting down and sipping water and occasionally standing up, John Higgins has asked for a rest day before the final of the World Championship, a bit like they have in the Tour De France. Mind you, in the Tour, they travel over 2,000 miles and taking all those drugs can really take it out of you whilst in snooker, players have been known to cover as much as 500 metres getting up and down from their seats.

This entry was posted on 2:29pm Monday, October 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm and is filed under Football, Have I Goth News For You!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. By commenting on this site you agree to abide by our terms and conditions.

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