Congratulations to the English and South African XI that beat Australia to reclaim the Ashes. The way they won that toss was simply spectacular. Now all that remains is for Freddie to go on a six week binge, Queen Liz to go a bit mental and award all the players a newly established honour called the Super-Dooper-Knighthood where you’re allowed to walk your flock of sheep over Elton John’s face because he’s only a regular Sir and through the centre of London at peak times [without paying the congestion charge]. It was quite simply the most thrilling Test series between the 4th best team in the world and the 5th best team in the world that I’ve ever seen, but they’ll only surrender the urn meekly the next time they visit Australia.

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Today’s news is just nuts
- Man, I Feel Like A Gold Medal
- Dude, Where’s My Lescott?
- You’ve Got Male (that one doesn’t really make sense)

Quite A Balls Up
There were joyous scenes at the Olympic Stadium in Berlin last night. After crossing the line first in the 800m final, Caster Semenya raised her suspiciously hairy arms triumphantly aloft in the night sky. Overwhelmed by emotion she let out a basso bellow of delight. Then she scratched her balls, said sorry for not even lasting two minutes and then feel into a deep sleep when all the other women wanted to do was a bit of cuddling.

That is the somewhat dramatised version of events that have lead to the South African being ordered to undergo a gender test. “The gender verification test is an extremely complex procedure,” said someone from The International Organisation Of Unnecessarily Short Shorts And Nipple Chaffing. Extremely complex? What? Finding out is this woman is in fact a man should take about 2 seconds – one if she’s got a semi at the time. Apparently, this gender test will take a few weeks to conclude, but if anyone from the IOOUSSANC is reading, you can have my patented Sack-detector kit for free:

If he/she answers ‘no’ to at least one of the questions, then it’s almost certainly a dude.

The Football Bit
After yesterday’s completely unfounded speculation, Liverpool’s managing director says that Rafa will be fielding not quite his strongest XI and then wondering why they’re dropping points at the likes of Spurs for some time to come. Stoke’s remarkable ability to make Glen Johnson look like Pele has lifted the pressure on Benitez that I’m not convinced ever existed. A bit like global warming. Just because I’m on the topic of Liverpool, Rafa has flexed some financial muscle by signing … em … Greek centre-back Sotiris Kyrgiakos for £2 million from AEK Athens.

Showing the aptitude that has won him pretty much every league title for the last twenty odd years, Alex Ferguson thinks scoring that penalty against Burnley would have definitely helped Man Utd’s chances of winning. Meanwhile Spurs looked pretty impressive in hammering already relegated Hull (I’m speaking mentally rather than mathematically – for the moment). Pretty impressive that is until you see replays of the goals and notice Boaz Myhill’s uncanny ability to miss shots that are pretty much straight at him. Elsewhere some other team beat some other team and has anyone had enough of the football season already?

All Joleon Lescott’s door slamming and playing his Jonas Brothers’ records too loudly has finally gone too far for David Moyes. The Toffees manager has grounded Lescott until Mark Hughes calls around with a bag filled with thirty million pounds worth of non-sequential notes or injury prone strikers to the same value. One person’s view of the whole story.

A Blinkered Round Up Of Everything Else
Harlequins vow that they will never ever be caught cheating again after taking a “huge reputational hit” - which is corporate makey-uppy-speak for “everyone thinks we’re cheating basterds” – hey, if it’s good enough for Tarantino. Plans to enforce include warning joke shops not to sell blood capsules to any of their players or staff. Stink bombs and whoppie cushions are fine.

In their regular bout of getting a bit bored with tennis, the Williams sisters are reportedly interested in buying a stake of the Miami Dolphins. That’s a trifle unnecessary – if they wanted to play that badly, then surely their physiques would merit a place in the offensive line. Apparently they float some people’s boats, although personally I’d like to reveal that they were the inspiration behind my patented Sack-detector kit above.

In other hut-hut-hut news, the Philadelphia Eagles’ signing of the dog fighting host with the most, Michael Vick doesn’t mean that companies are any less likely to pump millions of dollars into the organisation. It’s a victory for honest to goodness money over pesky little morals. I wonder what Vick would opt for here?

Whilst the rest of the cricket world focuses on the Oval, I’m bringing you the stories that matter. Kabir Khan, coach of the Afghanistan cricket team has said his team’s performance in Zimbabwe is one in the eye for all those haters out there, but he did it in a less gangster rap way. They earned a draw against their hosts, no doubt helped by some excellent Talibatting.

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He’s a cricketing legend.

He likes to drink, travel via pedalo and ‘water’ Tony Blair’s roses.

We are in danger of losing him. But if you want to save him - you know where to go.

And in the meantime, if you want to show your support, WEAR YOUR FREDDIE MASK today! That’s right, just click the link to download a full colour Freddie mask absolutely free! wow.

What you do with it then is entirely up to you. If you are Australian you could stick it on a dart board. No bother to us. Australians are crap at darts.

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The news that Freddie Flintoff is set to retire from Test Cricket has sent something of a shockwave through Paddy Towers. Our London office in particular has been hard hit by this devastating news, but in fine Paddy Power tradition we’ve decided to do something about it rather than just sit around moaning.

Today, on the eve of the third test, we launch our HELP SAVE FREDDIE campaign on Facebook. It’s really quite simple. We’re looking for great ideas, either financial or medical, that can help persuade Fred to turn his back on getting paid a couple of million quid for playing souped-up rounders and commit to the king of sports that is cricket.
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Today’s reasons to keep reading:
 - Alberto Contador lifts the veil on his not particularly veiled contempt for Lance
 - Liverpool won’t be taken back to the shop. Yet.
 - Rugby’s coming home, it’s coming home, coming home drunk and stinking of Deep Heat.
 

(more…)

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With England in the lead and Kevin Pietersen out, the 3rd Test could be the pivotal one in this year’s Ashes series. And as everyone knows, the fourth day of a Test is the best day to go along to see [don't dispute it – it's a well known fact]. So, putting together the fact that Sunday is going to be the pivotal day of the pivotal Test and we have a pair of tickets to Sunday’s play at Edgbaston – how would you like to win a pair of tickets to Sunday’s play at Edgbaston? It could well be pivotal.

To be in with your chance of winning this amazingly pivotal prize, we’ve concocted this tricky and topical game that we like to call Spot The Bell. Simply tell us where on the grid Ian Bell is and email the answer along with your username to competitions@paddypower.com. Then – hey presto - you’ll be entered into a draw for the tickets.

The competition closes at midday on Thursday 30th July. The winner will be drawn at random. Entries posted in the comments section will not count as proper entries – sorry. Entrants must be paddypower.com or Paddy Power Dial-A-Bet account holders. Paddy Power decision is final.

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His propensity to get out both ridiculously and cheaply meant that Kevin Pietersen wasn’t exactly shaping up to be the star of the Ashes Series. We’ll never know, but in the comfort of that knowledge, we’ll confidently predict it wasn’t going to happen. Still, as his Achilles packed up, he won’t get the chance prove us wrong and we’re doing the decent thing by refunding all bets on him to be England’s Top Runscorer, Top Overall Series Runscorer and Man of the Series in the Ashes. Other bookies would probably settle him as a loser, laugh in your face take your money and invest it in nuclear weapons, but we don’t think it’s fair, so we’re giving the money back.

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Australian Application Shows Up Profligate Pietersen

It represented around three seconds of a match that lasted just shy of five days. It was just one of well over two thousands balls bowled. It was one wicket of twenty-five in the match, but the first Test of the 2009 Ashes series will be remembered for the ridiculous arrogance of Kevin Pietersen. If England’s first innings of 435 had proved to be the competitive total it was over-optimistically labelled and not the missed opportunity that in reality it was, then his moment of idiocy could be quietly swept down to fine leg, but the fact that Australia’s batsmen went on to operate with such ruthless efficiency exposed the flaw in England’s star and in turn the flaw in relying on a brilliant, but self indulgent narcissist.

In a team sport, it’s unfair to hang the millstone of blame around one player’s neck, but in this case it so evidently damaged the team’s cause, it feels appropriate. After getting himself in and accruing a decent score, Pietersen abdicated responsibility, then casually dismissed it as his natural game and not something he plans to alter any time soon. His attempt to sweep a ball that looked set to be called wide on the off side required Inspector Gadget-esque limbs and seemed about as destined for success as a case being probed by the aforementioned inspector – without the help of Penny and the Brain if you’re into your 1980s cartoons. In contrast, the Australians took the inch given to them by the English bowlers and turned it into miles of ball chasing for the Pom fielders. No batsman in the world may be able to match Pietersen in terms of ball striking and flair, but it’s in the areas of application and duty to the team the unheralded Marcus North and Brad Haddin excelled. England’s cynical delay tactics towards the end were disappointing, but you get the feeling the Aussies wouldn’t be immune to it if the shoe was on the other foot.

So to the second Test and what England need to do. There is a school of thought that says England can’t bowl as meekly as they did for the vast majority of the Australian innings. Save for a fiery spell from Andrew Flintoff, they rarely posed a threat. Stuart Broad, Jimmy Anderson and Graeme Swann have proven they are better than that, but they need a few more tricks up their sleeves when the ball isn’t swinging and the pitch resembles newly laid motorway. Or at least to stop making excuses. That school of thought could be wrong, as now that the Aussies have sunk their teeth into them once, they’ll have nothing to fear for the remainder of the series. Steve Harmison did well for the England A team against the Aussies before the 1st Test and his form for Durham merits a call up to the squad at the very least. Graeme Onions should also take his phone off silent in the next couple of days.

If there was the talent available, Pietersen should be dropped to give him time to contemplate the notion of responsibility at county level. That will never happen as he still remains England’s man hope of winning the series, but there should be steps made to accommodate the prodigious Irishman, Eoin Morgan. The dubious documentation of grannies allowed Ireland to profit by signing up footballers that were about as Irish a natural tan and now it’s time to return the favour. Morgan made his name with flamboyant strokes in the shorter form of the game, but his game can be adapted for the more considered approach required for Test matches. A combined haul of sixteen runs suggests Alistair Cook could make way, but that would involve a rearrangement of the batting line-up that exceeds England conservatism.

As dismal as much of England’s performance in the first Test was, they can take steps to be more competitive. It doesn’t take a cartoon crime-fighter to figure that out.

Ashes 2nd Test Betting

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If the prospect of two teams of middling talent spending a total of 25 days (minus lunch and tea intervals) throwing and hitting a ball around in order to determine the winner of a miniscule trophy, which never actually leaves the trophy cabinet anyway, then the Ashes is for you!
Luckily I am one of those people. Unlike Chris Gayle, I believe test cricket is the single greatest sporting spectacle in the world (if you disagree let’s settle the matter in the comments below) and it doesn’t get any bigger than England v Australia - even when the latter are no longer the dominant force they once were. (more…)

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Cricket - The Ashes
Looking at the recent form of both sides, England could win the Ashes at a canter. That would have been unthinkable about a year ago, but Australia have finally crash-landed following the retirements of Warne, McGrath and Gilchrist. For a while, they got away without unearthing players of a similar calibre, but now the Aussies are discovering that you can’t replace the irreplaceable. (more…)

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