Posted in Football, Have I Goth News For You!, Tennis | Click here to comment »

Scotland’s Andy Murray Is A Failure
Scotland’s Andy Murray lost out in straight sets to Marin Cilic at Flushing Meadows last night, meaning another year has passed without a Grand Slam title and he’s still just a moanier version of Tim Henman. Britain’s Andy Murray had looked extremely impressive en route to the 4th round, dropping just the one set, but Scotland’s Andy Murray had his interest ended in spectacular fashion. In a massive break with tradition, Scotland’s Andy Murray failed to blame a trivial wrist injury for the exit, even when journalists dangled the carrot that allowed him an easy excuse rather than admitting his obvious limitations.
 
In what is fast becoming the fairytale of the US Open, Princess Fiona has booked her place in the semi-finals. There were fears that Kim Clijsters would be distracted by a succession of near-pointless mid-match breaks and childish tantrums, but so far Rafa Nadal has left her alone.

(more…)

Posted in Football, Have I Goth News For You!, Tennis | Click here to comment »

Andy’s Going To Win Ittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!
Andy Murray kicked off his bid to get thoroughly outclassed by Roger Federer in the final of the US Open with a comprehensive win over Ernests Gublis. The only blip in the straightforward three sets victory came when Murray fell after chasing a shot. He went crashing into Gublis’s kitbag and although he says it didn’t really hurt, I’m pretty sure he’s keeping that excuse on ice to wheel out when he doesn’t actually go on to win the event.
(more…)

Posted in Football, Have I Goth News For You!, Tennis | Click here to comment »

An Almost Transfer Rumour Free Zone
So we’re all set for another thrilling day of transfer deadline day drama? Bollocks to that. In the unlikely event that anything remotely interesting happens I may or may not mention it tomorrow. If you find today especially dramatic or interesting, you’re a simpleton. Or a Sky Sports News employee. And they’re not mutually exclusive. e.g. SSN Presenter: Tell me, how do loan deals work at this stage of the season?
(more…)

Posted in Football, Have I Goth News For You!, Tennis | Click here to comment »

Today’s news is just nuts
- Man, I Feel Like A Gold Medal
- Dude, Where’s My Lescott?
- You’ve Got Male (that one doesn’t really make sense)

Quite A Balls Up
There were joyous scenes at the Olympic Stadium in Berlin last night. After crossing the line first in the 800m final, Caster Semenya raised her suspiciously hairy arms triumphantly aloft in the night sky. Overwhelmed by emotion she let out a basso bellow of delight. Then she scratched her balls, said sorry for not even lasting two minutes and then feel into a deep sleep when all the other women wanted to do was a bit of cuddling.

That is the somewhat dramatised version of events that have lead to the South African being ordered to undergo a gender test. “The gender verification test is an extremely complex procedure,” said someone from The International Organisation Of Unnecessarily Short Shorts And Nipple Chaffing. Extremely complex? What? Finding out is this woman is in fact a man should take about 2 seconds – one if she’s got a semi at the time. Apparently, this gender test will take a few weeks to conclude, but if anyone from the IOOUSSANC is reading, you can have my patented Sack-detector kit for free:

If he/she answers ‘no’ to at least one of the questions, then it’s almost certainly a dude.

The Football Bit
After yesterday’s completely unfounded speculation, Liverpool’s managing director says that Rafa will be fielding not quite his strongest XI and then wondering why they’re dropping points at the likes of Spurs for some time to come. Stoke’s remarkable ability to make Glen Johnson look like Pele has lifted the pressure on Benitez that I’m not convinced ever existed. A bit like global warming. Just because I’m on the topic of Liverpool, Rafa has flexed some financial muscle by signing … em … Greek centre-back Sotiris Kyrgiakos for £2 million from AEK Athens.

Showing the aptitude that has won him pretty much every league title for the last twenty odd years, Alex Ferguson thinks scoring that penalty against Burnley would have definitely helped Man Utd’s chances of winning. Meanwhile Spurs looked pretty impressive in hammering already relegated Hull (I’m speaking mentally rather than mathematically – for the moment). Pretty impressive that is until you see replays of the goals and notice Boaz Myhill’s uncanny ability to miss shots that are pretty much straight at him. Elsewhere some other team beat some other team and has anyone had enough of the football season already?

All Joleon Lescott’s door slamming and playing his Jonas Brothers’ records too loudly has finally gone too far for David Moyes. The Toffees manager has grounded Lescott until Mark Hughes calls around with a bag filled with thirty million pounds worth of non-sequential notes or injury prone strikers to the same value. One person’s view of the whole story.

A Blinkered Round Up Of Everything Else
Harlequins vow that they will never ever be caught cheating again after taking a “huge reputational hit” - which is corporate makey-uppy-speak for “everyone thinks we’re cheating basterds” – hey, if it’s good enough for Tarantino. Plans to enforce include warning joke shops not to sell blood capsules to any of their players or staff. Stink bombs and whoppie cushions are fine.

In their regular bout of getting a bit bored with tennis, the Williams sisters are reportedly interested in buying a stake of the Miami Dolphins. That’s a trifle unnecessary – if they wanted to play that badly, then surely their physiques would merit a place in the offensive line. Apparently they float some people’s boats, although personally I’d like to reveal that they were the inspiration behind my patented Sack-detector kit above.

In other hut-hut-hut news, the Philadelphia Eagles’ signing of the dog fighting host with the most, Michael Vick doesn’t mean that companies are any less likely to pump millions of dollars into the organisation. It’s a victory for honest to goodness money over pesky little morals. I wonder what Vick would opt for here?

Whilst the rest of the cricket world focuses on the Oval, I’m bringing you the stories that matter. Kabir Khan, coach of the Afghanistan cricket team has said his team’s performance in Zimbabwe is one in the eye for all those haters out there, but he did it in a less gangster rap way. They earned a draw against their hosts, no doubt helped by some excellent Talibatting.

Posted in Cricket, Football, Have I Goth News For You!, Justice Payouts, Novelty, Rugby, Sportsbook, Tennis, US Sports, Videos | 5 Comments »

 
Keeping reading if you like:
 - slagging off elderly people driving cars
 - slagging off elderly people in charge of Italy
 - death threats that are funny when they don’t happen to you
 

Sorry, Stuff Keeps Happening In Snoormula 1
As the old saying goes, one man’s spring in the head is another man’s opportunity. In this case Michael Schumacher has the opportunity to prove that this Ferrari is indeed rubbish and not even his skills or bashing people off the road could make it win. My local radio station reported that he’d even be back in the Ferrari in time for the Spanish Grand Prix, which would be pretty impressive as it would mean the Italians have perfected time travel. That’s unlikely as a competitive car seems beyond them at the moment.

The ‘There’s Always A Lot More About Football Than Anything Else, Isn’t There?’ Bit
Man City’s quest to assemble a squad of not quite top class players continues relentlessly with the signing of Kolo Toure for £16 million. Arsene Wenger spotted chuckling heartily all the way towards the financial institution.
 
 
Speaking of Le Professeur, his work on the flux capacitor has come to nowt and if he wants to turn back time to when Arsenal were more successful [actually, there’s was no need for that 'more'] he’s going to have to do it another way. Bringing Patrick Vieira back is the first step. Now it’s just a matter of finding out what Marc Overmars and Giles Grimandi are up to these days. And if they still own a pair of boots.
 
 
Robbie Keane says he welcomes the arrival of Peter Crouch at White Hart Lane and not just because he now has someone to take stuff down off high shelves.
 
 
In an attempt to return AC Milan to the glory days when Paolo Maldini was only 39, Silvio Berlusconi says from now on the club are only interested in players under the age of 23. Funnily enough, that’s the same policy he has when it comes to his women.
 
 
The Peace Cup – the most inappropriate name for a football tournament since the Champions League.
 
 
Apparently Man Utd are being targeted by some of the most evil people in the world - but I’ve known about the Glazers for years!! Arf, arf! They should probably spend more time worrying about this unsavoury guy who sees the club as legitimate “enemies of Allah.” Gary Neville hasn’t been spotted kissing the badge in front of a mosque so I don’t think it counts as a proper hatred.
 
 
Celtic are out of the Champions League after losing the home leg of their tie with Dinamo Moscow. The second leg is still to come next week, but I’m beating everyone else to the punch.

Miscellaneous Other Story Section
Oh wow. This hasn’t taken too long. Only a few days after experiencing the joy that comes with the miracle of birth, Roger Federer is already finding excuses to get out of the house around nappy changing time. “Oh sorry darling, it’s the Davis Cup, I have to play. It’s really important. In Argentina.”
 
 
*MUNCH, MUNCH, SCOFF, SCOFF*. Oh yeah, leave that battered cod over here and is the chocolate cake nearly ready? Ricky Hatton takes a few moments out of his ferocious training schedule to tell us he’s in great shape and wonders if there’s anything bigger than supersize?
 
 
Michelle Wie says she has received death threats. Rumours that they regularly feature a voice saying “get better because we’ve invested a truckload of money in you” and can be traced back to a phone in the Nike offices have yet to be confirmed, but I have my suspicions.

Posted in Football, Have I Goth News For You!, Motor Racing, Tennis | Click here to comment »

Andy Battles Through But Needs To Improve
The Wimbledon organisers were like children with a new toy at Christmas. And they’d remembered to buy the batteries. Dinara Safina claimed the all important pub quiz trivia of claiming the first win under the new roof, but it was what followed that gave Wimbledon the outcome to fully justify their decision to belatedly join the 21st century.

In the past, added Murray and Warwinka might be hauling their weary bones out of bed for the lunchtime conclusion of a forgone conclusion, but the roof gave the audience a spectacle to follow right through to its yawny end. The roof added novelty, but also made every shot sound like a bullet being fired in a spaghetti western. All that was missing was Clint Eastwood growling “step inside my service box and say that.” The shots echoed around the ensconced arena and gave it another layer of drama.

It wasn’t epic. It was marathon, but not epic. There were far too many mistakes and too few flashes of brilliance to be labelled epic. Whilst Murray must be applauded for his stamina and mental strength, it exposed the fact he needs to step up another couple of levels to still have an active interest by Sunday afternoon. His opponent is a steady but limited player. He is solid, but firstly failed to spot when the winners were on and when he finally decided to go for the jugular, ended up limply finding the torso. The world rankings suggested their was a gap in class and Murray was expected to win, yet Wawrinka didn’t do a great deal to bridge this gap. Worryingly, not doing a great deal was enough to take Andy Murray all the way.

Murray immodestly declared that he earned an ‘A’ for his first week in SW19 but beyond the soundbite nature of such a comment, it suggested he was a little too happy with his game. There is always room for improvement and as happy as he might have been with his trouble-free navigation through the opening week, Murray must aspire to operate at a higher level constantly. The clash with Wawrinka made this apparent and could be the smelling salts he needs to bring him back to reality. Never being one to let a victory get in the way of a good excuse, Murray was quick to cite the roof as the reason why he laboured over a player he is considered far superior to – despite the fact it’s a regular occurrence in the ATP calendar at events less reluctant to maintain outdated traditions. Serving into bright lights in a sweaty arena is nothing new, even if the grass underfoot is a novel sensation.

The uncomfortable truth is – based on last night’s evidence - Murray wasn’t good enough to beat Roger Federer. Putting aside the heroic nature of the performance, it was a C in comparison to the kid who’s top of the class. If the top seeds meet on Sunday, Murray will need to improve dramatically to even make it a contest. Murray is good enough to win Wimbledon but whilst the exceptional talents of Federer and Nadal are on the scene, his chances will be limited. Allied to that are the worries about Murray’s second-week stamina. To date, his tournament wins have been done in shorter Masters events that last little over a week and is was noticeable how shattered he looked towards the end of the match. On the more tactical side of things, he needs to work on his challenges. Towards the end he wasted his on a series of fruitless appeals that must have been a cumulative couple of feet wrong. It nearly cost him when some far more moot calls were made near the finish.

Murray can end the long wait, but he needs to improve rapidly to make the grade.

Wimbledon Betting
Murray v Ferrero Betting

Posted in Sportsbook, Tennis | 6 Comments »

The retirement of Andrei Pavel will barely register a ripple on the pond of the tennis world. It probably won’t register much of a ripple in the Pavel household. The bringing to an end of a fourteen year career that fits neatly into the journeyman genre isn’t big news, but it could be the catalyst for Andy Murray’s success in the Australian Open.

(more…)

Posted in Sportsbook, Tennis | 2 Comments »

He can open a can of whup-ass on the world’s top two.
He can moan the hind legs off a donkey.
He doesn’t like it when someone slags his Mum.
He’s taken the Henman fist-pump to whole new places … finals.

That’s what we know about Andy Murray, but can he win the Australian Open?

If you’re not sure, why not take our ‘in no-way endorsed by any sort of legitimate mathematicians’ Andy Murray Test to see just how highly you rate his chances.

Or if you already know, why not show off your sporting expertise in our comments section.

AUSTRALIAN OPEN BETTING

Posted in Sportsbook, Tennis | 4 Comments »

There’s joy and even more joy at Wimbledon this summer when, in a typical piece of summer weather, SW19 is hit by a monsoon. Cliff Richard, spotting the microphone and an opportunity to flog more albums to exactly the kind of people who probably buy his albums, warms up his vocal chords for a spot of rain-delay entertainment. Just as he launches into the first few bars of ‘Summer Holiday’ some bright spark remembers that they’ve recently put a retractable roof over centre court. Cliff is devastated as he watches the iron behemoth glide across and shut out the rain, bringing an abrupt end to his impromptu gig, but the universal consensus is “brilliant, why didn’t we do this years ago?” And Marat Safin joins the UFC.

(more…)

Posted in Sportsbook, Tennis | 10 Comments »