Today’s news is just nuts
- Man, I Feel Like A Gold Medal
- Dude, Where’s My Lescott?
- You’ve Got Male (that one doesn’t really make sense)

Quite A Balls Up
There were joyous scenes at the Olympic Stadium in Berlin last night. After crossing the line first in the 800m final, Caster Semenya raised her suspiciously hairy arms triumphantly aloft in the night sky. Overwhelmed by emotion she let out a basso bellow of delight. Then she scratched her balls, said sorry for not even lasting two minutes and then feel into a deep sleep when all the other women wanted to do was a bit of cuddling.

That is the somewhat dramatised version of events that have lead to the South African being ordered to undergo a gender test. “The gender verification test is an extremely complex procedure,” said someone from The International Organisation Of Unnecessarily Short Shorts And Nipple Chaffing. Extremely complex? What? Finding out is this woman is in fact a man should take about 2 seconds – one if she’s got a semi at the time. Apparently, this gender test will take a few weeks to conclude, but if anyone from the IOOUSSANC is reading, you can have my patented Sack-detector kit for free:

If he/she answers ‘no’ to at least one of the questions, then it’s almost certainly a dude.

The Football Bit
After yesterday’s completely unfounded speculation, Liverpool’s managing director says that Rafa will be fielding not quite his strongest XI and then wondering why they’re dropping points at the likes of Spurs for some time to come. Stoke’s remarkable ability to make Glen Johnson look like Pele has lifted the pressure on Benitez that I’m not convinced ever existed. A bit like global warming. Just because I’m on the topic of Liverpool, Rafa has flexed some financial muscle by signing … em … Greek centre-back Sotiris Kyrgiakos for £2 million from AEK Athens.

Showing the aptitude that has won him pretty much every league title for the last twenty odd years, Alex Ferguson thinks scoring that penalty against Burnley would have definitely helped Man Utd’s chances of winning. Meanwhile Spurs looked pretty impressive in hammering already relegated Hull (I’m speaking mentally rather than mathematically – for the moment). Pretty impressive that is until you see replays of the goals and notice Boaz Myhill’s uncanny ability to miss shots that are pretty much straight at him. Elsewhere some other team beat some other team and has anyone had enough of the football season already?

All Joleon Lescott’s door slamming and playing his Jonas Brothers’ records too loudly has finally gone too far for David Moyes. The Toffees manager has grounded Lescott until Mark Hughes calls around with a bag filled with thirty million pounds worth of non-sequential notes or injury prone strikers to the same value. One person’s view of the whole story.

A Blinkered Round Up Of Everything Else
Harlequins vow that they will never ever be caught cheating again after taking a “huge reputational hit” - which is corporate makey-uppy-speak for “everyone thinks we’re cheating basterds” – hey, if it’s good enough for Tarantino. Plans to enforce include warning joke shops not to sell blood capsules to any of their players or staff. Stink bombs and whoppie cushions are fine.

In their regular bout of getting a bit bored with tennis, the Williams sisters are reportedly interested in buying a stake of the Miami Dolphins. That’s a trifle unnecessary – if they wanted to play that badly, then surely their physiques would merit a place in the offensive line. Apparently they float some people’s boats, although personally I’d like to reveal that they were the inspiration behind my patented Sack-detector kit above.

In other hut-hut-hut news, the Philadelphia Eagles’ signing of the dog fighting host with the most, Michael Vick doesn’t mean that companies are any less likely to pump millions of dollars into the organisation. It’s a victory for honest to goodness money over pesky little morals. I wonder what Vick would opt for here?

Whilst the rest of the cricket world focuses on the Oval, I’m bringing you the stories that matter. Kabir Khan, coach of the Afghanistan cricket team has said his team’s performance in Zimbabwe is one in the eye for all those haters out there, but he did it in a less gangster rap way. They earned a draw against their hosts, no doubt helped by some excellent Talibatting.

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Magistrate: ‘But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn’t you give her half the road?’
Motorist: ‘I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.’

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.”
Husband: “Water in the carburettor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburettor is. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In the swimming pool.”

Firstly, before anybody starts whinging, I know road safety is a very important subject. This is Danica Patrick (image above) – recently, this lady destroyed the stereotype that all women are crap drivers when winning the Indy Japan 300. Pandering to women’s sensibilities and possibly being a sexist pig in the process, I knew it was too good to be true. At the weekend, when pulling into the pit lane during the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, she had a little accident. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt (see below). I’m calling for a law on women drivers not to drive below 30mph…on the Motorway, insist they keep their eyes open and don’t put on make-up while driving.

My granddad used to say, ‘Life was so much better before they put a window in the Kitchen.’ Have your say on Women drivers. Ladies, defend yourself!!

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- Gazza at Italia 90.

- Phil Babb when he came off second best in that collision with the Anfield goalpost.

- John Terry anytime he doesn’t intimidate a referee into awarding Chelsea a penalty.

Watching sportsmen cry is actually quite funny and the latest we can add to the list is Terrell Owens. Having already beaten the NY Giants twice this season, the Dallas Cowboys were well fancied to make it thrice and seal a place in the National Football Conference Final. But it didn’t pan out that way and a lot of the blame has focused on quarterback Tony Romo who took advantage of a bye week to holiday in Mexico with his new girlfriend, Jessica “Do you want some buffalo wings?” “Sorry, I don’t eat buffalo” Simpson.

“Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favourite - in this locker room or in Texas Stadium. I think a lot of people feel she has taken Tony’s focus away,” Owens declared recently, but – possibly after Romo explained what it was like looking at Jessica in a bikini for a few days – he launched this emotional and downright hilarious defence of his team-mate. He’d want to be careful, with Simpson making regular visits to Texas Stadium, the Kleenex could be in short supply.

And just for good measure, here’s the Babb incident again:

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You asked for it so we built it.  We are proud to present our new and improved, GTI 16V Results service.

You can now get every result for every market for every event we offer here on the website.  That’s right, it covers all sports from Racing to Rugby, Football to Financials and Cricket to Cycling.

(more…)

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Congratulations to Barry Bonds on breaking Hank Aaron’s home run record. I am actually saying congratulations all suspicious like and with my eyebrows furrowed, but it’s hard to communicate that in the written word. How much of the feat is owed to the use of steroids we will probably never quantify, so in the meantime, let’s just enjoy a moment of sporting excellence provided by someone that could definitely use some performance enhancing substances.

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