Britain’s Network Rail have decided to have a go at state censorship. The public transport company has taken exception to Paddy Power’s billboard advertisements in the fallout from the retirement of football manager Sir Alex Ferguson.

Yesterday, we revealed on the Paddy Power Blog that we’d emblazoned some cheeky news on Europe’s largest full motion digital screen in Liverpool. That billboard suggested that a scouser has had two wishes fulfilled with Margaret Thatcher departing and Sir Alex Ferguson retiring, so Liverpool winning the League must be the third and final wish. The ad went up outside Liverpool Lime Street station and with a brilliant reaction to it locally and on social media Paddy Power decided to roll it out nationally on advertising sites at railway stations.

Here's the billboard we've put up outside Lime Street Station in Liverpool that everyone is talking about… http://t.co/RGRUgtowWD—
Paddy Power (@paddypower) May 09, 2013

[How we announced the news via Twitter on Thursday, and below fans' reaction]

This is absolutely brilliant from @paddypower! Another quality billboard #lfc—
Grant Jennings (@grantjennings) May 09, 2013

Paddy Power are amazing at pushing the boundaries blog.paddypower.com/2013/05/09/pad…—
Ainsley Lathrope (@ainsleyem) May 09, 2013

Paddy power billboard in Liverpool, banter at its finest ⚽⚽⚽ http://t.co/phvVPz9coj—
Oliver (@OllieOCall) May 09, 2013

However, Network Rail has had other ideas and have rejected the campaign from spreading to sites over which it had advertising control, nationally in the UK.

With customer complaints clearly being something Network Rail takes very seriously Paddy Power has looked at the real bugbear for most rail passengers and have given odds of 20/1 that there will be a reduction in average train fares in January 2014 compared to the rise of fares in January 2013.

@networkrail would like Paddy to point out they have nothing to do with fares. They simply censor ads and make trains run late. —
Paddy Power (@paddypower) May 10, 2013

• Let Network Rail know what you think via their Twitter account @networkrail
• Or tell Paddy what you think via our Twitter @paddypower

• 12 of Paddy Power’s greatest controversies

Officers raided the bus at the Globen concert venue in Stockholm, Sweden, where pop star Bieber (19) was performing on Wednesday.

Swedish police spokesman Lars Bystrom says a small amount of drugs and a stun gun were found.

Sky News reports that an officer  smelled marijuana on an empty vehicle outside the Stockholm hotel where the pop star was staying just before his concert.

Drugs police later followed the bus to the venue before searching the empty vehicle after around 10 passengers – including Justin Bieber – had entered the arena.

A police spokesman said: “They found a small amount of drugs and a stun gun. Now the drugs are sent over to the forensics lab and before we have the analysis results we won’t (comment further). It was a short search for around half an hour.”

What were the drugs found on Justin Bieber’s tour bus? Paddy Power is taking bets. More as we get it. Whoop.

•  1/7       Marijuana
•  6/1       Cocaine
• 12/1      Methamphetamine
• 14/1      Heroin
• 14/1      Ecstasy
• 20/1     Crack Cocaine
• 25/1     LSD
• 25/1     PCP
• 100/1   Calpol

What were the drugs found on Justin Bieber’s tour bus: BET HERE

More Justin Bieber markets…

• 3/1 To enter a residential rehab facility
• 7/2 To apologise for using illegal drugs via Twitter
• 12/1 To do a confessional interview with Oprah
• 16/1 To be photographed smoking marajuana with Rihanna
• 16/1 To be conviced of possessing illegal drugs
• 500/1 To compete in the next Tour de France

Kim Jong Un has pledged his allegiance to Paolo Di Canio to help Sunderland avoid the drop. In a public statement Chairman Kim announced the Black Cats’ controversial plans to beat relegation and how he is going to ‘light up’ Sunderland.

The tiny North Korean leader took over from his old man Kim Jong-Il in December 2011 and has wasted no time becoming good pals with controversial Sunderland manager Paolo Di Canio. A thumping 3-0 win over Newcastle in the Tyne-Wear derby gave Di Canio some brief respite from the accusations about his fascist beliefs, as the eccentric Italian tries to guide the North-East club to safety.

[Scroll down for video]

The video message is in response to the fans attention drifting away from the top of the table. When Paddy Power paid out on Manchester United winning the League back in the February the interest from supporters switched to whether ‘arry could do a Houdini with QPR, McDermott could outlast Lambert, and whether anyone cared if Stoke went down.

In light of Chairman Kim’s statement Paddy Power’s war cabinet and military advisers have quickly got to work. They believe the rogue state is fairly likely to launch at least one more nuclear weapon test this year and is offering an explosive 16/1 should Kim and his band of not so merry men set off three tests or more. Rumours that the latest series of Made In Chelsea has fuelled their anger are unconfirmed.

Paddy is offering 25/1 for North Korea to declare war on the entire world at some point this year. Gulp.

However, it’s not all doom and gloom. Kim’s clearly a sports fan and likes to unwind by firing off a bucket of balls down the range on a Saturday morning. So good is his swing, Paddy Power is offering a skimpy 6/4 that he’ll announce he’s beaten his father’s impressive round of 38 under par.

Paddy Power also believes it’s more likely for North Korea to hold a democratic election before the end of 2015 (50/1) and even unite with arch enemy South Korea by 2020 (66/1) than for the rogue state to lift all restrictions on internet access this year (100/1).

A Paddy Power spokesperson said:

‘Calm down, Dear Leader, calm down. Here’s an idea. Instead of declaring thermo-nuclear war on anyone that’ll listen, get yourself back down the range and concentrate on knocking off your dad’s 38 under par. There’s a good lad.’

DESKTOP Betting: Click here for North Korea Specials

MOBILE Betting: Click here for North Korea Specials

North Korea specials

6/4        Kim Jong Un to announce that he has beaten Kim Jong Il’s 38 under par round of golf in 2013

5/2       North and South Korea heads of state to publicly sign a joint peace treaty/peace declaration by the end of 2013

3/1       ‘Team America 2’ to be released by the end of 2015

20/1      Kim Jong Un to set up a Twitter account in 2013

25/1      Dennis Rodman to have North Korean citizenship by the end of 2013

25/1      North Korea to declare war on the entire world in 2013

33/1      Kim Jong Un to resign as Supreme Leader in 2013

33/1      Kim Jong Un to rename a day of the week after himself

33/1      Kim Jong Un to coach North Korea at the 2018 World Cup

50/1      To hold a democratic election by the end of 2015

66/1      North and South Korea to unite by the end of 2020

66/1      Kim Jong Un to play at the 2018 World Cup

100/1    North Korea to lift all restrictions on internet access in 2013

200/1    Kim Jong Un to be photographed at the NBA final 2013

How many more nuclear weapons tests in 2013?

11/10    None

1/1       One

8/1       Two

16/1      Three or more

(Must be confirmed that a nuclear bomb signature has been detected by USGS)

Will North Korea launch a pre-emptive nuclear missile strike in 2013?

10/1      Yes

1/50     No

Worryingly, after consulting Paddy Power’s war cabinet and military advisor (Steph on the 3^rd floor…) our number-crunchers think a pre-emptive nuclear military strike looks as likely as Seabass romping home to victory in the Grand National tomorrow – both 10/1, ish.

I’M ON A HORSE: Kim Jong-un’s bid for Grand National glory was undermind by his nag-rockets

The very same team of experts also believe the rogue state is more likely than not to launch at least one more nuclear weapons test this year and is offering an explosive 16/1 should Kim and his band of not so merry men set off three tests or more. Have they no PlayStations in North Korea. Jesus.

Paddy is offering 25/1 for North Korea to declare war on the entire world at some point this year. However, it’s not all doom and gloom.

Kim’s clearly a sports fan and likes to unwind by firing off a bucket of balls down the range on a Saturday morning. So good is his swing, Paddy Power is offering a skimpy 6/4 that he’ll announce he’s beaten his father’s impressive round of 38 under par. It’s also rumoured he likes a kick about, but at the ripe old age of 28 the bookmaker believes it’s more likely that he’ll be coaching his national team in the 2018 World Cup (33/1) than playing in it (66/1).

Given Kim’s close friendship with Dennis Rodman, Paddy Power’s 200/1 for the North Korean leader to be photographed at this year’s NBA final looks like good value, as does the 25/1 on offer for the ex-NBA superstar to have taken up citizenship by year end.

Paddy Power also believes it’s more likely for North Korea to hold a democratic election before the end of 2015 (50/1) and even unite with arch enemy South Korea by 2020 (66/1) than for the rogue state to lift all restrictions on internet access this year.

A Paddy Power spokesperson said:

Calm down, Dear Leader, calm down. Here’s an idea. Instead of declaring thermo-nuclear war on anyone that’ll listen, get yourself back down the range and concentrate on knocking off your dad’s 38 under par. There’s a good lad.

DESKTOP Betting: Click here for North Korea Specials

MOBILE Betting: Click here for North Korea Specials

6/4        Kim Jong Un to announce that he has beaten Kim Jong Il’s 38 under par round of golf in 2013

5/2       North and South Korea heads of state to publicly sign a joint peace treaty/peace declaration by the end of 2013

3/1       ‘Team America 2’ to be released by the end of 2015

20/1      Kim Jong Un to set up a Twitter account in 2013

25/1      Dennis Rodman to have North Korean citizenship by the end of 2013

25/1      North Korea to declare war on the entire world in 2013

33/1      Kim Jong Un to resign as Supreme Leader in 2013

33/1      Kim Jong Un to rename a day of the week after himself

33/1      Kim Jong Un to coach North Korea at the 2018 World Cup

50/1      To hold a democratic election by the end of 2015

66/1      North and South Korea to unite by the end of 2020

66/1      Kim Jong Un to play at the 2018 World Cup

100/1    North Korea to lift all restrictions on internet access in 2013

200/1    Kim Jong Un to be photographed at the NBA final 2013

How many more nuclear weapons tests in 2013?

11/10    None

1/1       One

8/1       Two

16/1      Three or more

(Must be confirmed that a nuclear bomb signature has been detected by USGS)

Will North Korea launch a pre-emptive nuclear missile strike in 2013?

10/1      Yes

1/50     No

Eh? No, we don’t get it either. Bring on the National.

Féilim Mac An Iomaire | Midnight Chaser

The Paddy Power Blog needed a man on the ground at Cheltenham. This week, loose-trousered PR manager Féilim Mac An Iomaire is that man. After the pasting Hurricane Fly gave us on Tuesday, Feilim was drowning his sorrows yesterday. That may or may not be apparent in this totally unedited report he sent us last night.

To say that Tuesday night was random would be an understatement! Last night was like stepping in to an alternate universe, as an Icelandic international proceeded to follow me around like tails does sonic before f-ing off.Unfortunately for me there was no escape from the from the wake up call that was set in stone for 7am!

Not content with our Hurricane Fly castration we decided to divy out free burgers to all comers. Having durvived an awkward conversation with animal rights watch the rest of it went down a storm as we fired out free HORSEBURGERS to everyone and anyone who would have them!! al i had to dress up all fancy to pacify anyone who invited us. Turns out everyone hates me…..but then there are the laaaaayyyydeees!

Afterwards I head to the course but while I’m dpi g do the mischief team are kicking all kinds of ass SMD getting a giant pair of underpants.

Tonight in Cheltenham after a bad day where I lost all my pennies my ultimate dream came true. Paddy Power and the team wined and dined me. They are sexy, charming and everything a woman looks for in a man and more.

Need I say more?

• Feilim is drunk at Cheltenham: Day 1
  

Paddy Power loves nothing more than Cheltenham and horse racing. Oh, and a bit of mischief.

So, for the Cheltenham Festival 2013 we have unleashed this beautiful giant green hot air balloon, based on our famous Lucky Pants.

After Ruby Walsh romped home on Champagne Fever on Tuesday, Paddy thought it only right to celebrate in style in a plan conceived after a night on the black stuff. Here are the results…

Up, up and away… Paddy Power’s Lucky Pants balloon during the National Hunt Chase on Wednesday

Fill her up, lads.. our team prep ‘Paddy Pant 1′ for take off

FULL OF HOT AIR: The Paddy Power team busy prepping our balloon in testing

Modelled on Paddy Power’s famous Lucky Pants, the balloon stands at a huge 63ft high and 60ft wide. It uses more than 3,600 sq ft of material, holds 115,000 cubic feet of air and boasts a belt-busting waistband of 2,260 inches. It took a team of top engineers and two of the UK’s most skilled seamstresses six months to make the giant undergarments flight-worthy.The basket carries up to four people (including the pilot). It’s nicknamed ‘Paddy Pant 1′ and made its debut appearance at Cheltenham after the Supreme Novice’s Hurdle.

Watch this space for more, keep your eyes on the skies around Cheltenham, and tweet your pictures to @paddypower using the hashtag #LuckyPants.

GREEN GIANT: That’s our team and the 63ft high and 60ft wide beauty

Here’s a picture from an eagle-eyed punter who caught in on Channel 4 live…

TEST FLIGHT: The Paddy Power balloon, Paddy Pant 1, takes to the skies earlier this week in secret

• Cheltenham Festival Betting: Click here
• Paddy Power: A history of cunning stunts

Political firestarter Guido Fawkes gives his opinion on the Eastleigh by-election for the Paddy Power Blog

When Liberal Democrat MP Chris Huhne resigned his Eastleigh seat after pleading guilty to conspiracy to perverting the course of justice you would naturally expect his party to suffer as a result. Counter-intuitively the Lib Dems opened the betting as favourites, this was partly because private polling before his resignation had shown that even if Huhne resigned, his party would still lead in the polls locally. Eastleigh has an overwhelming number of Lib Dem local councillors and the party has held the seat for two decades – a strong starting position.

The Lib Dems called the writ for the election as soon as was decent, hoping that a quick election campaign would capitalise on their strong local presence and deprive their opponents of time to organise. Just as the writ was called a poll commissioned by Tory billionaire Lord Ashcroft was released showing the Conservatives ahead, had the Lib Dems mis-calculated the kick-back against their party as a result of Chris Huhne’s lying?

Pretty soon another poll was published showing the Lib Dems ahead, the Tories a little behind with UKIP and Labour scrapping at the back for fourth place – perhaps explaining why UKIP leader Nigel Farage chose not to run in Eastleigh. On the ground canvass returns and anecdotal evidence suggested that the Lib Dems might even see their majority increased. The Lib Dems had strength in numbers, local knowledge and were putting their famed by-election winning fighting machine into action. The Tory candidate had made a few unfortunate comments with which her opponents were bashing her. Guido put his money on the Lib Dems at this point – it never pays to bet against the pollsters.

Rennard could undo the Lib Dems

Ironically it could be that the former maestro of that by-election winning machine, Chris Rennard, could undo the Lib Dems. Last week Cathy Newman on Channel 4 News exposed the now Lord Rennard with a string of allegations from women against him. The explosive report put what had long been rumoured into the public domain and onto front pages. The timing could not have been worse for the Lib Dems – will this turn away voters? If the issue gets cut-through with the public and women voters in particular, could it undermine the Lib Dem’s chances in Eastleigh?

Pollsters Survation released a poll this weekend giving the Tories a 5 percentage point lead – the poll was carried out just as the Rennard sex scandal was getting the maximum of publicity. The Eastleigh by-election is now definitely a two-horse race.

Local polling is far more difficult to get right than national polling because the sample sizes are smaller and more difficult to make representative, nevertheless experience tells Guido that betting against the data can be expensive. We have had four polls and they have forecast wins for both the Tories and the Lib Dems – not much help.

For now Guido’s money remains on the Lib Dems winning because they have the superior ground forces in that they have more local troops with the local knowledge required to get out the vote. If however another poll came out putting the Tories ahead, I would lay my bet and switch to the blues. With two days to go, my tip is to stick with the yellows.

Follow Guido Fawkes on Twitter here.

• Betting: Eastleigh By Election

TEXTING TERRY: JT reveals a few dodgy messages thanks to our hidden mic

By Josh Powell | Hidden Mic

Chelsea head to Czech Republic tonight to face Sparta Prague in the last 32 of the Europa League. It’s the trophy that everybody pretends they want to win but secretly nobody actually enjoys playing Thursday nights on Channel 5.

Keeper Petr Cech drew the short straw out of the Chelsea boys so came out to face the media with this quote littered with feigned enthusiasm. ’People say it’s not a great competition, but if we win it we will add a trophy to the cabinet the club have never won before’. Super.

The most interesting element of the game might be Rafa Benitez’s team selection. The interim gaffer has a crunch tie against lowly Brentford at the weekend in an FA Cup replay and won’t want another embarrassing result. The players who are rested are going to have to watch what they are nattering about on the bench because the Paddy Power Blog has managed to sneak in a hidden mic.

The findings are more surprising than Fernando Torres finding the onion bag seven times in the league this season.

‘Captain, leader, legend’ John Terry is one of the first names on the team sheet each week but a knee injury this season has limited him to just seven starts. JT has had to spend the majority of the year on the sidelines while David Luiz refuses to play any pass less than 25 yards, and endangers a few lives in row Z with his free-kicks.

Not even the Chelsea skipper could escape being picked up by our recorder while he chilled out on the Chelsea bench.

Our findings were even more dramatic in the fallout from Chelsea’s 0-0 draw with Swansea City at the Liberty Stadium. The result meant the Blues missed out on a trip to Wembley for the Capital One Cup Final and piled the pressure on Rafa. The biggest talking point of the game was Eden Hazard giving a ballboy a healthy kicking and our recordings show not even the Belgian’s team-mates are safe.

• Betting: Sparta Prague v Chelsea
  

Twitter users haven’t been slow out of the gates and have taken a strong hold with some tasty one-liners.

• Betting: Next species to contaminate beef burgers 

I should be on a Stable Diet but I think I might give this #Findus meal a miss! #YFB http://t.co/uLTwTcUK—
Chubby Brown (@RoyChubbsBrown) February 08, 2013

It was probably a good thing that they stopped sponsoring this race… #findus http://t.co/h6Jzbbo2—
  (@bettingpro) February 08, 2013

What's the fuss? For years we've been told that Ready Meals contain too much Salt and Shergar. #findus—
Graeme Garden (@GraemeGarden1) February 08, 2013

Had #Findus beef lasagne for the mane course at lunch and now I've got the trots…—
Martyn Ziegler (@martynziegler) February 07, 2013

'Food beyond compare, food beyond belief, mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef'. #Findus #dear #LesMis—
  (@westendproducer) February 07, 2013

#Findus website: "using only the best ingredients and a generous pinch of imagination in our recipes." I'd £10 at 5/1 on Imagination at Ayr—
Stewart Weir (@sweirz) February 07, 2013

So now Findus have withdrawn their products because of Horse meat contamination..
Shame..I really liked their Spaghetti Bologneighs.
#findus—
The Carpenters Arms (@thecarpentersw1) February 08, 2013

Doctor says I should watch what I eat, so I've got tickets to the Grand National. #Hiyooo #findus—
Andrew Trendell (@AndrewTrendell) February 08, 2013

#Findus confirms its products will not be available as of tomorrow as they are running the 1:20 at Chepstow, 2:30 at Aintree & 3:20 at York—
Andy Cawthray (@ChickenStreet) February 08, 2013

I'm not sure I see the fuss about this #Findus story, quite Frankely.—
Paddy Power (@paddypower) February 08, 2013

I TOLD YOU TO PUT THE BET ON WITH PADDY POWER

Paddy Power’s at it again – refunding 13,000 customers and smashing through the €700,00 mark on Money-Back Special all losers in the 1.45 Kempton and the 2.45 Naas on Saturday January 19.

Take a bow if you backed Big Sylv in the 1.45 Kempton. But don’t despair if you punted anything else in the race as you will see that account being re-credited with some lovely dosh.

Not long after, there was another tasty refunded on all losers in the 2.45 Naas.

@Racing_Post @IrishRacing365 that latest money back all losers on the 2.45 Naas benefitted 3,000 customers and we refunded another €20,000—
Paddy Power Racing (@pphorseracing) January 19, 2013

The world’s favourite bookmaker also refunded €190k to customers across all channels in the 12.50 at Lingfield and the 2.25 at Warwick on Saturday, January 12, to add to the €235k (Jan 5) and the €150k on New Year’s Day that has been returned to punters since the Money-Back Special began on All losers every Saturday in January. 

With this gift that keeps on giving there’s still TWO more Money-Back Special All losers rces to come in January from your favourite bookie Paddy Power.

There’s no use talking to Paddy when he gets an idea in his head and this Money-Back Special All losers is the SIXTH refund of punters cold, hard, cash of 2013.

On January 5, the 1.35pm Grade One at Chepstow and the 2.40pm at Wincanton were the two races selected by Paddy himself and punters cashed in.

Ruacana won the 1.35pm at Chepstow at 10/3 and customers who didn’t back the winner got their money back in cold hard cash thanks to Paddy.

Paddy had to fork out €140,000 to 11,400 customers and before the men in white coats arrived to take him away he was at it again at Wincanton.

Big Fella Thanks won the 2.40pm race and punters were celebrating again as Paddy refunded all losers. 11, 200 punters benefited as Paddy coughed up an eye-watering €95k.

Just four days after refunding a whopping €150,000 to 14,000 punters on New Year’s Day he pulled off another couple of massive Money-Back All Losers offer. Tonight’s take-away is certainly on Paddy Power.

22,600 punters were left very happy today and Paddy was spotted rocking in the corner of a dark room at the top of Power Tower.

‘Our New Year Resolution was to give punters something no other bookie can even hope to match’, Paddy said. ‘The problem is we’ve come up with something so generous, it makes Roman Abramovich seem thrifty.’

Paddy is refunding two races every Saturday in January. So keep calm, punt as normal and enjoy the action. Paddy will spin the bottle and decide the race so keep your eyes on Facebook, Twitter, The Paddy Power Blog and in PP shops as we announce which races we’ve gone Money-Back All Losers on.

• More information on Money-Back All Losers 

Paddy said he’d do it and he did!

Nearly €100k was refunded to around 8,000 customers on the 1.05 at Musselburgh on New Year’s day while approximately €50k was given back to 6,000 clients on the 3.15 at Exeter the same afternoon.

That’s a grand total refund of €150k being paid out to 14,000 happy Paddy Power punters with the Money-Back Special on ALL losers offer.

Things are going to get a bit hairy for Paddy when the big bosses arrive on Wednesday. But they’re in for a shock as he’s already getting geared up to continue the Money-Back Special on ALL losers in two races on every Saturday in January.

Paddy’s Guinness intake may have been a pint or three more than his usual New Year consumption as he has also vowed to do the same brilliantmoney back offer again on ALL Losers in 2 races this coming Saturday and on every Saturday in January! [Share this offer on Twitter]

Paddy Power said:

Frankly the refund has cost us a small fortune. I’m expecting the men in the white coats to be banging at our door later as who else does offers this crazy and we’ve simply not learned diddly-squat from our mistake as we’ll be doing it again throughout January.

T&Cs:

• Paddy Power will refund all losing bets from two races that take place in UK and Ireland that race day
• The offer will apply on Tuesday 1st January
• The offer applies across all Paddy Power betting channels: online, shops, mobile, phone and text betting
• Max refund: €100/£100 per customer per race.
• Applies to win (and win part of each way) single bets only.
• Does not apply to extra markets or betting in-running.
• Does not apply to Tote bets.
• A minimum of two race meetings must take place each day.

• Betting: All today’s cards, form and odds

Padvent: A time of year when people focus on what is really important. Christmas sport and Paddy Power. It is a season observed by all sport fans who love enhanced odds and celebrated from December 1 to December 25

Christmas is just around the corner and with every shop in the country telling you to buy more useless crap, it’s important to remember the important thing at this time of year: Incredible sport.

You’re probably fed up of getting caught in a tornado of shoppers and old ladies paying for everything with pennies. Tired of the people who clear the shelves in Tesco thinking the Mayans were right and the world is ending. Simply dreading visiting relatives where the conversation is more uncomfortable than a prostate exam from Captain Hook. Luckily Paddy Power is here to help and make your Christmas awesome.

We have a sackful of special sports betting offers – our famous Powerplays — lined up and will roll one out EVERY DAY leading up to Christmas. We’re calling it Padvent. See – it’s like Advent only sacrilegious and filled with stuff you actually want. Pffft tiny pieces of crappy cheap chocolate.

So tell the kids Santa only visits children who sit quietly through the sport, and settle down to watch some top quality footie all the while chuckling evilly to yourself as you take advantage of Paddy’s super-generous price enhancements.

• HO! – Suarez to score in the Europa League     
• HO! – Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor to win the World Championships
• HO! – The favourite to win the Tingle Creek

Paddy is certainly in the festive spirit and he’s planning to enhance a huge amount of markets each day. Whether it be on the King George, the PDC World Championships or the Manchester Derby, you can be sure Paddy’s got it covered.

You can’t guarantee a white Christmas this year, and you can’t promise to feign gratitude when someone gifts you the Hollyoaks box set, but you can be sure that Paddy will be bringing you some of the biggest offers of the year from now until Christmas day.

Steve perfected his own twist on the Dutch language and now someone else has more than just a passing interest in how to pull off a foreign tone with aplomb.

It’s been fifteen years now. Fifteen years of pain. Fifteen years of fury. Fifteen years of disgust.

On November 9, 1997, an event took place in Montreal, Canada, that changed Big Sam forever. An act of sheer treachery, it devastated and deflated me like no other, sucking out every last droplet of trust that had previously percolated throughout my sensational body. I sat in front of my television in a state of catatonic horror, my entire world collapsing like a prolapsed uterus.

My feelings on the utter travesty of the ‘Montreal Screwjob’, witnessed at the 1997 WWE Survivor Series, are well documented, and I really don’t want to open up that festering wound again.

Big Sam has never seriously contemplated suicide before; there’s been times when my resolve has been gravely tested – when I was dismissed at Blackburn Rovers, for example, and that time I made love to a homeless woman and my piss turned purple – but I’ve always retained my strength.

As the events at the Molson Centre unfolded, however, and I was forced to tearfully watch Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart being cruelly swindled out of the WWE Championship by a heartless Vincent K McMahon, I seriously considered ending it all. At one point, I had a Durite 12v Heavy Duty 8″ Oscillating Fan in my hand, and was seconds away from plunging my chiselled face deep into its powerful blades. Thankfully, and suddenly, my brand new Motorola StarTAC began to ring, and I was saved. It was Chris Akabusi. I didn’t answer.

The Survivor Series has always been my favourite of the ‘Big Four’ WWE events. A hark back to the classic era of old-school wrestling merriment, it marries the vigorous dynamism of tag-team combat, with the joy of watching the humiliation of oversized men being forced to walk forlornly back to the changing room, upon elimination. I’ve also always been a huge fan of the very act of survival; the ability to display the kind of intestinal fortitude needed to be a survivor. That fella Terry Waite? The Uruguayan rugby team, whose plane crashed in the Andes? The band who sang that song in ‘Rocky III’? Really brilliant blokes, the lot of them. The warm, fuzzy affection in which Big Sam held the Survivor Series, just made the whole sorry mess all the more cutting. Like that time I got dumped by Des’ree.

YOU GOTTA BE: Unfortunately Big Sam wasn’t…

With a heavy heart, I washed my hands of the WWE that night. A few days later, I took a long walk through the mean streets of Nottingham, my head still in a nightmarish whirl of bewildered indignation. I ended up in a disgusting, desolate and depraved part of the city – well, one of them – and had the first of my many mini break-downs. I turned over cars, defecated in a phone box, and pushed over an old man in a mobility scooter, and, like, totally just left him there on the ground. It all culminated in me furnishing a rudimentary bonfire out of disused tyres, and the rotting carrion of a chubby Yorkshire Terrier I found in a skip.

As the flames raged in angry magnificence, I threw my vintage, WWF-era foam finger into the ceremonial pyre. That finger meant the world to me. It was a true, 1980′s original, and was given to me as a birthday gift from my close friend, Mean Gene Okerlund. I’d done everything with that foam finger, and not just within the realms of professional wrestling fandom. I’d waved it at pop concerts, given team-talks with it; I’d even pleasured myself sexually with it on a few (seven) occasions.

As the cheap foam incinerated into a black bubble of powerful symbolism – releasing the finest plumes of toxins the far east can muster – members of Nottingham’s infamous St. Ann’s Crew gang circled me, chanting my name and espousing the very virtues that made me such a potent destroyer of enemies. I renounced their endorsement, however, as I thought they were a right bunch of bad bastards. Instead, I threw £3.64 at them in loose change. As they scampered around the bonfire, hoovering up the precious bounty and dancing their dance of hate, I simply slunk away into the shadows, and went back home. I’d shown the world what I thought of Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels, but still I felt as hollow and useless as 50% of Heather Mills’ foot spa.

It’s been fifteen years since I’ve watched the Survivor Series. I made my peace with the WWE a few years after the Montreal incident – the raw, sleazy excitement of the ‘Attitude Era’, and Stacy Keibler’s exquisite hoop saw to that – but I still haven’t been able to watch that particular event since that traumatic night back in 1997. This is all about to change, though.

This Sunday, Bankers Life Fieldhouse in Indianapolis, Indiana plays host to the 26th annual Survivor Series, and Big Sam will be watching. I’ll be sat in my Inada D6 Robostic Massage Chair – in sumptuous red leather – with a pitcher of Goose Island Honkers Ale, and a tray of cheeseburger sliders, cheering on the WWE’s new generation of superstar vanquishers. I couldn’t pick any of them out of a fucking line-up in all honesty, but I’m sure they’re just wonderful.

The pain of what Vince did to Bret that night in 1997 will never subside, I suspect, but I’ve moved on. It’s this sort of tolerant benevolence that marks Big Sam out as one of the true greats of this revolving little planet of ours. I do miss that foam finger, though.

• Betting: WWE Survivor Series
• More Not Big Sam columns for Paddy Power

Not Big Sam is a parody account on Twitter which can be found here. It is in no way related to Sam Neill, Sam Adams, Sam Allardyce or Sam Fox.

There’s no two ways about it. They hurt. Despite my stoic sensibilities, and my legendary ability to turn the tables on any attacker, the words spat at me by Mike Ashley, when he removed me as manager of Newcastle United in January 2008, stung like a bullet ant. “You’re fired,” he drooled, sat slovenly in his disgusting office, dressed in a full Newcastle kit like a big bellend. “Oh, and while I’m at it, you look a bit like Bennett from Commando.”

I stood there in silence, devastated and alone; my dignity laying prone on the floor, like a crippled child with negligent parents.

I was immediately ushered out of St James’ Park, and thrown into the cold, dank streets of an unforgiving city. Discarded without a thought, like a whore with a hump.

Stalin was never named manager of the month

I walked home in a state of befuddlement, the paltry remnants of my time at the club carried over my shoulder in a bindle stick. The cruel, wintry frost rasped violently at my vagabond face, as a right shower of bastards gathered around me, hurling insults. “You’re as useless as Stephen Hawking’s feet!” yelled one Geordie mutant, his bared breasts dancing frantically in the January gust. “My granny could manage better than you, you fat mess, and she can’t even manage her own piss muscles,” added another, crudely. One sweet-looking, teenage girl in pigtails even threw dog shit at me, whilst screaming: “I hate you Not Big Sam! You’re worse than Stalin!”

It was the worst moment of my adult life. I ran through the city in tears, the ever-growing mob of abusers at my heels, bombarding me with taunts, rocks, and bits of perished squirrel. I felt like a circus freak. Not for the first or last time, my life drew acute and painful parallels with that of the Elephant Man. Not physically, of course. I’ve dealt with all sorts of accusations throughout my career, but no, my head does not weigh the same as Merrick’s. I’ve had it checked out by the lads at Opta, and they assured me that mine is “certainly, but not categorically, lighter”.

The night Nick Drake saved my life

IN THE PINK: Not Big Sam was lulled back to health by the gentle folk of Nick Drake

When I finally got home, I curled up into a ball on my beanbag, slipped Pink Moon by Nick Drake onto the turntable, and stayed their for 34 hours and 13 minutes. Although it seemed like I was stuffed down the darkest of wells, I soon tilted my weary head skywards, and glimpsed a hopeful fleck of light. This was going to be the bloody making of me.

I arose from my feeble inertia, a new man. A stronger man. I promptly discarded my clothes; their very existence a reminder of the person I was. I’d also been wearing the same duds for a day and a half, and quite frankly, I stank like a Frenchman’s finger. As the symbolic, pupal casing of my attire, fell away from my body, I emerged like a beautiful butterfly, ready to feast on the very nectar of untapped opportunity.

I opened the front door and stood naked in front of the world. “I am alive!” I roared, my genitalia swaying against my magnificent thighs like a devastating wrecking ball, hell-bent on destruction. “Ancient spirits of evil, transform this decayed form to Not Big Sam, the Ever-Living!” Yes, I stole it from Mumm-Ra, but it seemed so deliciously apt.

I AM THE MATRIX: It isn’t just awesome physiques Not Big Sam and Colonel John Matrix share

After reciting this incantation, I bent down on one knee, flexed my biceps towards the heavens, and screamed the scream of some form of feral beast. A feral beast blessed with focus, cunning and tactical aplomb. I then went back inside and watched Commando on the Sky Player, to see if that bastard Ashley was correct. I almost turned it off in disgust when I clapped my eyes on that chainmail-wearing troglodyte, but gradually became compelled by the story of Bennett’s nemesis, Colonel John Matrix.

As I watched his beefy resilience deal with betrayal after betrayal, and marvelled at his ability to turn anger into a thick, fiery ball of vengeance and retribution, I was inspired. I decided at that very moment that the heinous act perpetrated against me by Mike Ashley, Newcastle United and the very inhabitants of that unholy North East favela, would serve only as exquisite fuel in my quest to climb to the very top of association football. United were just pawns in my crusade; a stepping stone to bigger and better things.

Every time I see Ashley’s chubby jowls wobble on TV, I remind myself that this is the man – the monster – that pushed me off my own personal ladder of evolution. I know in my heart, that his callous and undue expulsion is the only reason I am not currently preparing my team talk at the Estadio Santiago Bernabéu, or Camp Nou.

About that night with Cheryl Cole…

This weekend, Not Big Sam takes his West Ham side – fresh from a goalless mauling of the so-called champions – back to the scene of his most painful betrayal. I’ve been back before, of course, but the agony never subsides; it only manifests with each magnificent step I take towards managerial greatness. It’s been over four years now, but the coals of injustice continue to crackle and burn inside my belly, tearing at my soul. Only vengeance can extinguish such wretched flames.

Do I have any good memories of my time at Newcastle? None. Well… there was this one time with Mark Viduka and Cheryl Cole in a nightclub called Tiger Tiger. Mark and I were grinding with Cheryl on the dancefloor, when she looked at me with those gorgeous, hazelnut eyes and whispered: “Wud yee leek tuh hev a fiddle wi’ me noo-noo?” It was an all-too rare moment of sensuality, in a town drenched in blue WKD and vulgarity.

As I take my boys onto the field at St James’ Park this Sunday, I do so with the dactylic words of Colonel John Matrix burrowed deep into my labyrinthine brain…

You know, when I was a boy and rock’n'roll came to East Germany, the communists said it was subversive. Maybe they were right.

Maybe they WERE right, Colonel. Either way, it’s time for Big Sam to let off some steam.

• Betting: Premier League Matches
• More Not Big Sam columns for Paddy Power

Not Big Sam is a parody account on Twitter which can be found here. It is in no way related to Sam Neill, Sam Adams, Sam Allardyce or Sam Fox.