Like this guy who was part of the extended Dortmund entourage tonight. When some people would be magnanimous in defeat, he doesn’t take kindly to a firm ‘conciliatory’ pat on the arm from one of the Bayern player, forcing Mats Hummels into some hasty ‘sorry about him’ duty to the Bayern player.

Was it calm and dignified? No. Would we do the same? Absolutely.

RAFA MOCK-BITING A TROPHY – Totally not getting old at this stage

By Aidan Elder | Chief sports writer

He’s the King of Clay and the King of adjusting his underwear in the middle of a game in front of the world’s cameras. Rafa Nadal will be attempting to win his eighth French Open title over the next fortnight and only a fool would bet against him, right?

Well probably, but the risk of being labelled a fool won’t stop us. Winning seven French Open open era titles is hard, but winning eight is even harder, even if your name is Rafa Nadal. With all his injury problems, uneven bicep worries and underwear troubles, is there anything that could stop him ‘fake-biting’ the Roland Garros trophy in a couple of weeks’ time? Almost certainly not is the short answer, but if you fancy opposing him, here’s some arguments to back up your flimsy case.

#1 Injury doubts

There are many things Rafa Nadal could do to his body that would be less punishing than play tennis with it. Wrestling a hippopotamus for his dinner, dressing up as an older woman in front of Harry Styles or getting in a car with George Michael are probably all activities less detrimental to his health than his style of tennis. While Djokovic and Federer glide gracefully, Rafa powers around the court, smacking the ball as if it’s just slagged him mum.

It takes its toll and although the new world number four has looked in good shape since coming back from the injury troubles of 2012, his uncle and coach, Toni Nadal says his left knee is still giving him trouble. Considering Rafa’s relentless chasing down of everything, it’s hardly going to suddenly improve at this stage in his career and Uncle Toni suggests it’s something that they simply try to block out of his mind every time he goes out to play. Not the most encouraging assessment you’ve ever heard ahead of an attempt at Grand Slam title number 12.

#2 Weather

Bad weather presents a couple of potential problems for Rafa, neither of which can be solved by buying a rain jacket. Firstly, if we get the rain that is expected, the balls will be heavier and the vicious array of spins that are such an important part of his arsenal could prove to be less effective than they normally are, blunting his game.

Secondly, with inclement weather forecast for much of the first week there’s a chance of a major backlog of games in the second week and as a result, reduced recovery time between matches. In an attempt to get match practice under his belt following injury, Nadal has played a lot so far this year and the fact he hasn’t been beaten much, means it may even be too much. He’s already played 38 matches this year, six more than Djokovic and 14 more than Federer.

#3 Djokovic semi-final

Rafa doesn’t really have a bad record against any of his major rivals on clay, but his record against Novak Djokovic on the surface is less pristine than his other opponents. Nole hasn’t had the greatest of clay court seasons himself with a couple of shock defeats. But he did brings Rafa’s reign in Monte Carlo to an end which means the duo are tied on three wins apiece from their last six meetings on clay. Unless Nole manages to choke before then, they’re due to meet in the semi-final and that should be a close one.

#4 Big hitters in the long grass

There’s plenty of evidence of Rafa struggling against big hitters in the past and if he’s going to make it to the latter stages of this year’s tournament, he’s likely to have to navigate his way past a few. There’s the distinct possibility of meeting Lukas Rosal, who knocked him out of last year’s Wimbledon, in the third round and beyond that, potential meetings with the big hitters, Benoit Paire and Jerzy Janowicz. Of course there’s a chance he won’t have to play any of them and he’ll make serene progress through the early stages, but this is all about clutching at straws, so we’ll take what we can.

• Find out who Rafa’s biggest challengers are with the latest French Open odds

It’s an all-German affair in Wembley at the FA’s 150th birthday celebrations which is slightly uncomfortable for all concerned, but the alternative would have been having the Special One smugging things up and trying to steal all the limelight for himself. Yes, it’s every hipsters favourite Borussia Dortmund versus everyone’s favourite over-confident Bavarians, Bayern Munich.

If you’re out and about, unable to get to a TV or in the early stages of a promising relationship and have to watch a Hugh Grant rom-com rather than the football, I’ll be hear to keep you up to date with all the latest goings-on and Andy Townsend bashing.

Feel free to give me a shout with your own observations, queries or Andy Townsend bashing via the comments section below or on the planet Twitter where I’m @MinistryOfGlove.

LATEST SCORE
Borussia Dortmund 1 – 2 Bayern Munich

=======================================================

10.02pm: Wow. Gareth Southgate just said:

It’s was slightly ‘night of the long knives’ they way they got him [Heynckes] out

Interesting reference when describing a German team. We’ll see how that one plays out.

9.50pm: Borussia Dortmund trudge by the cup and to make matters worse, they have to pretend they’re glad to see Angela Merkel.

9.41pm: Great final, great fans – now all that’s left is for Adrian Chiles to ruin it with some inane post-match observations.

9.35pm: FULL TIME! It’s BAYERN who make amends for last year’s hurt as the referee brings it to an end. It’s deserved on the balance of play. Dortmund gave a good account of themselves, but didn’t create as much as the German champions.

9.34pm: SUB! Bayern waste a bit more time by bringing Gomez on for Mandzukic.

9.32pm: SUBS! Dortmund make changes as Schieber comes on for Blaszczykowski and Sahin replaces Bender. Bayern take Ribery off and give Gustavo a run out.

There’s three added minutes and they’re nearly all gone.

9.30pm: GOAL! BAYERN! It’s Arjen Robben. He’s missed a few chances tonight, but he may have got the one that matters. He picks up a knockdown from Ribery and slides it past Weidenfaller. Possibly the most important miskick of his career.

9.28pm: CHANCE! Weidenfaller saves again – this time Schweinsteiger blasts a shot from the edge of the box. It was pretty much straight at him, but he made it look more difficult than that.

9.25pm: Robben dribbles, still manages to foul an opponent. Five minutes to go and it’s 4/11 that we’re going to extra time.

9.21pm: Those Germans and their penalties – it could happen:

Fancy #Dortmund to win 32-31 on penalties. #UCL—
Bernard O'Toole (@BernardOToole) May 25, 2013

9.20pm: OUCH! It’s all square on the ‘lucky to be on the pitch front’ now. Robert Lewandowski stands on Boateng’s ankle, but the referee doesn’t see it. The cameras do and it looked pretty blatant.

9.19pm: Another chance for Bayern. Muller is through on goal, he sort of gets fouled, but still passes to Mandzukic who shots, but can only find the side-netting from a tight angle. In truth, Muller should have gone a bit ‘Arjen Robben’ on that and taken the shot himself.

9.17pm: Lewandowski has a ‘goal’ disallowed for handball and up the other end, Alaba fires in a first time shot from about 25 yards out that Weidenfaller gets to at the expense of a corner.

9.15pm: YELLOW CARDS! Ribery and Grosskruetz go into the book for a crappy coming together.

9.13pm: AMAZING STUFF! Muller skins the Dortmund defence and he tries to square the ball to Robben. Just as it looks like he’s going to tap it in from about six inches out, Subotic swings a leg at it and somehow clears it. Brilliant stuff from the Serbian defender.

9.12pm: It’s going to be a nerve-wracking final 20 minutes or so. About time for ITV to go to an ad.

9.09pm: GOAL! Gundogan sticks it to Neuer’s left with confidence and it’s all square. Bit of a kick in the nuts for anyone who backed Lewandowksi to score at anytime as he declined the chance to take it after Neuer saved one of his about three weeks ago. There’s still time though.

9.08pm: PENALTY! DORTMUND! Dante with a clumsy foul on Reus.

9.07pm: More half-arsed penalty appeals from Dortmund. Again it’s Pisczcek and it might have been a foul, but the fact it happened outside the box undermines their chances of getting a penalty.

9.06pm: 25 minutes to go and the balance is well and truly in Bayern’s favour now. The match odds are: Dortmund 18/1 | Draw 4/1 | Bayern 1/5

9.03pm: Andy Townsend whips out the thesaurus to tell us Borussia Dortmund don’t need to panic just yet:

Dortmund need to take their time. Bide their time

9pm: WHAT A CHANCE! The ball gets flicked on to Mandzukic and … as I type Bayern have scored!

GOAL! Madzukic! Ribery and Robben combine nicely and in a welcome turn of events, the Dutchman passes to a team-mate. The aforementioned Croatian makes amends for missing that half chance and sweeps the ball into an empty net to give Bayern the lead.

8.54pm: Michel Platini and Angela Merkel are pictured in the stands arguing over who has had the shittest idea in the course of their respective tenures. It’s a score draw.

8.51pm: Well played:

What's the difference between time and Arjen Robben? Time passes…—
Genius Football (@GeniusFootball) May 25, 2013

8.47pm: I missed this from the font of all wisdom that is Andy Townsend first time around:

: Andy Townsend, 2 mins: "For Bayern, anything less than winning is failure." @dangerhere—
JP Smith (@thebootleggar) May 25, 2013

8.46pm: The teams are back out on the pitch. Dortmund get the second half underway and Marco Reus looks particularly focused:

8.39pm: ITV are discussing the Frank Ribery elbow incident and he certainly looks lucky to have stayed on the pitch. Easily his worst decision since he decided not to as that French prostitute for her ID.

8.37pm: Dortmund did pretty well in that first half, but it’s Bayern who are the big favourites to win it from here. The match odds are: Dortmund 10/3 | Draw 7/4 | Bayern EVENS

8.36pm: Ha ha!

Bender trying to get the Dortmund crowd going as he comes off for half-time… http://t.co/obLkp9uYeP—
Paddy Power (@paddypower) May 25, 2013

8.31pm: HALF TIME! It’s time for the half time bollockings – although I’d imagine in the case of Klopp, it’s not a bollocking, he just lights some incense, gets his players to sit in the lotus position, hold hands and discuss their feelings after the first 45 minutes.

It’s been one of the better scoreless draws at half time that you’re ever likely to see with both teams enjoying good spells. If that keep it up for the second half we should all be happy – maybe even Roy Keane.

8.28pm: ANOTHER CHANCE! Arjen Robben is presented with another glorious chance and this time ‘smacking the ball into the goalkeeper’s face’ is his chosen method of wasting it.

8.26pm: After a string of great saves, Manuel Neuer looks happy with himself:

8.22pm: Arjen Robben turns a great chance into a half chance and Dortmund clear it for a corner.

From the corner Thomas Muller heads a tame Peter Crouch style header wide when he should have done better.

8.21pm: GREAT SAVE! Lewandowski does brilliantly to turn the Bayern defender, but from about seven yards out, Neuer closes him down quickly and gets the shot away. The goalkeepers have been excellent so far.

8.15pm: GREAT CHANCE! Arjen Robben is played in on goal and when given the option of passing to a team-mate who has an open goal or trying to beat Weidenfaller, he takes on the shot and is thwarted. Did anyone ever really think he was going to pass?

8.14pm: YELLOW CARD! Dante goes into the book for a poor attempt at the Fellaini fro. Or else a cynical body check on Reus.

8.12pm: CHANCE! Bayern finally make a mark on the game as a Mandzukic header forces Weidenfaller into a reaction save. Corner Bayern.

The Bavarians follow it up with another header that goes just narrowly over.

8.10pm: The referee briefly gets in the way of a Dortmund attack and instantly overtakes Bayern in the possession stats.

8.09pm: If you happen to the rom-com victim I mentioned in my intro above and things end up going well tonight, Kelly Cates (nee Dalglish) has a 140 characters of warning:

If you're thinking of having unprotected sex tonight, 2yo just got out of bed, removed nappy, pooed on 4yo's floor, trod in it. #poo—
Kelly Cates (@KellyCates) May 25, 2013

8.07pm: CHANCE! Neuer has been busier than that ‘German towel joke’. This time a Lars Bender shot from about ten yards out causes him some minor irritation which he deals with.

8.05pm: CHANCE! Nice play from Dortmund and Marco Reus forces Neuer into another slightly over-dramatic save.

8.03pm: Dortmund have made the better start to the game, but they’ve nothing to show for it except for Jurgen Klopp winning a few extra cool points.

7.59pm: Lewandowski has a decent shot from about 25 yards out that Neuer makes look more difficult than it was, but ultimately keeps it out.

GREAT CHANCE! That’s followed up by a first time shot from Blaszczykowski who’s low attempt from about eight yards out is blocked by Neuer.

7.58pm: More shots of Gotze wearing his cap funky style back to front and our very own Amy Eustace points out:

Götze looks like he's fresh out of juvy.—
Amy (@amyeustace) May 25, 2013

7.56pm: Ten minutes gone. Blaszczykowski blasts a shot over the bar and the Dortmund fans are great because they react to it with the enthusiasm you’d normally only use for a decent shot.

7.54pm: Tyldesley delivers a load of inane stats with the smugness of someone who is completely unaware that we all have the internet these days.

7.51pm: Clive Tyldesley calls Dortmund ‘a sort of German Crazy Gang’ and seems to think it’s a compliment of some description.

7.50pm: ‘Deeds of doubt?’ Did anyone else hear that?

7.48pm: Free kick against Bender for a tackle from behind. I would make a joke about that, but I’m not Jim Davidson.

7.45pm: Bayern kick off. There’s still time for some excessive praise of Jurgen Klopp.

7.43pm: The teams are out on the pitch for the formalities, but I have to say Arjen Robben looked rather apprehensive in the tunnel before they came out:

7.40pm: Five minutes to go. If you don’t have a bet now, this blog will be deemed a failure and I’ll be forced to work somewhere really embarrassing. Like the Paddy Power Marketing Department.

7.34pm: The heart-breaking side of football. The exact moment Mario Gomez realised he wasn’t in the Bayern starting line-up:

7.25pm: Right, I’m enjoying this a lot, but I’m contractually obliged to talk about betting at some point. We’ve got a fantastic-mega-super-dooper Money-Back Special on the match. Here’s a lovely image to explain it that’s nicer on the eyes that more text:

7.20pm: Oh this is just too good. Adrian Chiles now calls Jurgen Klopp ‘frighteningly likeable’.
Why is it frightening, Chilesy? Are you worried he’s just so likeable it might stir up some deeply buried emotions and you may not be able to control yourself if you bump into him in the mixed zone after the match?

Having a presenter dry-hump one of the manager’s leg would be a low for ITV. And that’s from a station that broadcast Crossroads. Twice.

7.19pm: Ha ha! Famous penalty misser, Gareth Southgate is in no mood to let a fellow pro off the hook for a high profile miss:

Schweinsteiger – don’t forget he missed that penalty in last year’s final

#classy

7.16pm: NEW RULE: German teams to guaranteed a place in the Champions League Final every year as long as they produce a song as good as this:

7.09pm: You would want to hope Gotze makes several swaps between Dortmund and Bayern over the next few years to get value for money out of having this shirt made up:

I thought she ruined one perfectly good jersey, but to paraphrase the words of Homer Simpson, ‘correction, two perfectly good jerseys’.

7.04pm: Chiles continues to set a low bar for the evening, pointing out:

Wembley – yellow one end, red the other – it looks like a real … football match

7.02pm: Two minutes into the ITV programme and Adrian Chiles says the word ‘rumbustious’. Roy Keane looks at him with a facial expression that says ‘do you know the inconvenience that is getting a radio mic pack removed from your rectum?’.

7pm: Here’s a picture of Mario Gotze dressed as a member of a mild-mannered mid-90s rap band. There’s no real reason for it.

6.56pm: Tom Williams delivers a Polish flavoured statbomb:

Lewandowski, Piszczek and Blaszczykowski the first Polish players to start a Champions League final since Jerzy Dudek for Liverpool in 2005.—
Tom Williams (@tomwfootball) May 25, 2013

That’s significant because it’s eight years to the day that Dudek somehow managed to do this:

6.51pm: Andy Gray took a look at the Champions League final and gave us his preview of likely events. He then gave us a comprehensive history of feminism and explained in great detail why the American school of individualist feminism was undermining the valid points of the wider movement. One of those claims was true and you can find out which one here.

6.42pm: I’m hearing there’s commotion in the Bayern dressing room as Manuel Neuer has taken a turn for the worse. He certainly looks like there’s something bothering him:

6.34pm: TEAM NEWS

We’re over an hour away from kick-off, but in a delightful nod to stereotypical German efficiency, the teams are already in.

For Bayern, Badstuber and Kroos were always missing out due to injury and Mario Gomez is confined to looking like George McFly duty from the comfort of the bench as Mandzukic leads the attack.

Bayern Munich
Neuer, Lahm, Boateng, Dante, Alaba; Martinez, Schweinsteiger, Robben, Mueller, Ribery, Mandzukic

Gotze was always going to miss out due to being owned by Bayern a not at all convenient hamstring injury. Their team still looks strong, but it’s also significantly harder to spell than Bayern’s. Here it is:

Borussia Dortmund
Weidenfeller, Pisczcek, Subotic, Hummels, Schmelzer, Bender, Gundogan, Blaszczykowski, Reus, Grosskreutz, Lewandowski

KERB’ YOUR ENTHUSIASM – Angelique Kerber watches from the stands. Something she might have to get used to over the next fortnight

By Aidan Elder | Chief sports writer

Almost every Grand Slam seems to be littered with an abundance of high profile first round casualties and me saying ‘dammit! Why didn’t I think of opposing him/her – the writing was on the wall’. There will be upsets and no doubt a whole host of odds-on favourites you wouldn’t back with Monopoly money, but on the flip side, there’s a few outsiders at big prices who might be worth a shout. Here’s a look at five French Open First Round bets who have varying degrees of justification for thinking about causing an upset.

Mona Barthel – 13/8 (v Angelique Kerber)

While an all-German clash in London has dominated the sporting headlines in recent days, there’s one in Paris that could be no less profitable. Angelique Kerber is a steady, reliable player you could lazily stereotype as being ‘very German’. She’s become a fixture in the world’s top ten without doing a whole lot of winning, but she could be vulnerable against Mona Barthel. Her younger compatriot has the narrow 2-1 edge in their head to head record and so far this year has amassed a win rate not dissimilar to a player ranked 25 places above her (63% v 66%). Kerber has three first round exits at Roland Garros to her name and although she’s much improved since her early visits, Barthel is the more tempting pick at the odds.

Anabel Medina Garriques – 9/2 (v Li Na)

China is on an unstoppable march to owning the world’s ass at everything and Li Na has been at the forefront of their push for global sporting domination. The 31 year old has blossomed later in her career to become a regular in the later stages of Grand Slam events and she begins the fortnight clear fourth favourite to win the title at 12/1.

But it may not be easy for her in her opener as the 2011 winner has an appalling record against the lowly ranked Spaniard, Anabel Medina Garriques. She has won just one of their five meetings and that was a retirement last year’s Aussie Open. To make matters worse, she’s 0-3 against Medina Garriques on clay and although that record stems from 2007 and earlier before Na rocketed up the world rankings, it’s a fairly comprehensive record. She’s been upset by lower ranked opponents in each of her last two clay court events

PE’ER PRESSURE – With a poor record on clay against Pe’er, could Radwanska be waving a premature goodbye to Paris?

Shahar Pe’er – 6/1 (v Agnieszka Radwanska)

There’s no point trying to sugar coat it – Shahar Pe’er’s recent form has been atrocious. She’s earned a grand total of two ranking points from her last two tournaments, which is pretty much the tennis equivalent of spelling your name right in an exam. Against the current world number four, she looks to have little going for her.

But that’s not strictly true because if you can conveniently overlook the recent form, the history books are a little more generous to the 26 year old Israeli. She’s got a record of three wins and three defeats in her career head to head with Radwanska, but on clay, Pe’er has a decisive 2-0 advantage. The Pole is no stranger to having a few days off in Paris, she’s been dumped out at the first round twice in six visits, most recently in 2011. It would take a sudden and dramatic turnaround in form from a player who has barely been spelling her name right in recent weeks, but at big odds, it’s worth a small nibble.

Jack Sock – 3/1 (v Guillermo Garcia-Lopez)

The US are desperately on the lookout for their next superstar to challenge for Grand Slams and although there’s no guarantee that Jack Sock is the man, he’s making progress in the right direction. It’s his first visit to Roland Garros and I’ve got limited evidence to justify my unfounded confidence in the 20 year old Nebraskan. He won the Mixed Doubles at the US Open with Melaine Oudin in 2011, although I wouldn’t blame you if you treated that with all the respect of winning an egg and spoon race at his primary school.

One source of hope is how Garcia-Lopez has been given some tough examinations by players from a similar rankings ballpark as Sock during the clay court season. He’s mostly come through those examinations, but there is some vulnerability there. It’s also worth bearing in mind that when you get outside the world’s top 50, the rankings get very condensed. Although 40 places sounds like he’s in a different galaxy to Sock, it’s probably only a couple of runs to the quarter-finals of regulation events away from being non-existent. Plus the guy has got through life with a name like Jack Sock – clearly this is a man familiar with overcoming adversity.

Jiri Vesely – 7/2 (v Phillip Kohlschreiber)

‘A 19 year old with a career record of 0-1? How much can we lump on this in no way promising bet?’ you may have sarcastically thought as you read the last speculative first round bet on this list. Vesely isn’t a household names, but he’s had an excellent clay court season. Just not at the top level. He’s shown ability on the dirtball courts by winning two Challenger Tour events during this clay court season and he’s a player on the rise. He won the 2011 junior Aussie Open and although plenty of players have done that without going on to make much of a ripple on the main tour, he’s worth giving a chance.

Kohlschreiber hasn’t done much wrong in his clay court season either and to be honest, he probably won’t need to be at his best to beat the young Czech. However he had to withdraw from the Rome Masters due to vertigo. I don’t know if it’s something that’s likely to strike again in Paris, but I wouldn’t want to take the chance at heavy odds on especially as with a record of not getting past the first round in four of his nine visits to Paris, the German clearly has enough to worry about without health issues.

• Find out the full range of latest odds on the French Open Men’s coupon and the French Open Ladies’ coupon

Matt Chapman | Irish 1,000 guineas

Just The Judge ran an absolute cracker in the 1,000 Guineas at Newmarket and she looked very much like the winner inside the final furlong. She is a big filly and she can only improve. That was a cracking run and Jamie Spencer is very bullish about her chances. The horse is bred to stay well and that was a good run to come second to Sky Lantern, who remember was a winner in a Group One in Ireland as a juvenile.

Maureen’s stamina is not convincing. She didn’t run badly in the 1,000 Guineas and plenty of punters noted her down as unlucky in that race.

But why was she unlucky?

Because Olivier Peslier had been told to hold her up at the back of the field, and when you have a horse like that you can often be unlucky. Richard Hughes is booked for Sunday but will the Irish jockey do us any favours on the hold-up horse at the weekend? No, he’s going to be boxed in and he’s going to have to work hard to get the gaps. Maureen is the type of horse that could win it on the bridle but it isn’t likely.

If Viztoria runs for Eddy Lynam she’s a very interesting horse. She hasn’t hit the headlines, maybe perhaps because she is trained by Eddy and not Aidan O’Brien or someone like that, but she’s very interesting.

The boring choice is the favourite but it is hard to see Just The Judge getting beat and she should give Charlie Hills his first Classic winner.

WORTHY FAVOURITE: Mr Chapman can’t see past Just The Judge at the Curragh

Just three favourites have won in the last 10 years but statistics like that aren’t worrying. It all depends which horses go across and it is race by race so those kind of statistics are not worrying in the slightest.

What that might tell you, if you want to take something out of it, is that if you have run well in the 1,000 Guineas at Newmarket, it probably takes a little more out of you than perhaps people think.

Despite that Just The Judge is the best horse, and the opposition here is not all that great.

Viztoria is a promising horse, but this is a Classic. What I mean by not that great is that, every trainer would like Viztoria in their yard but is she really a Classic winner? I can’t see her beating Just The Judge.

Snow Queen would be a very disappointing winner of a Classic as she is thoroughly exposed.

Maureen’s stamina isn’t convincing.

Big Break for Dermot Weld could turn up on the day, she’s unbeaten but she hasn’t run this season and could well need it.

Just The Judge is a worthy favourite and should win.

Is there value elsewhere or has Matt Chapman got it right? Discover all the latest odds and place your bets on the Irish 1,000 Guineas here

In honour of the expected knockouts we’re going to enjoy this saturday night, here’s a video of some of the best UFC heavyweight knockouts of all time. Including our top personal top 5. Don’t agree? Then vent your spleen on Twitter by abusing us directly through @paddypowerblog.

This weekend at UFC 160 in Las Vegas Cain Velasquez defends his UFC heavyweight title against Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva. A man he knocked out inside the first round less than two years ago. Silva is coming of a spectacular KO of Alistair Overeem so his confidence will be high, so that should help. It looks like Velasquez’ fight again but this is the heavyweight division. No one ever holds on to the belt for too long.

The main supporting act sees former champ Junior Dos Santos take on fellow knockout artist Mark Hunt. A win for Hunt could land him a title shot. Quite the turn around for a man whose first fight in the UFC was a loss which extended his losing run to six fights. Three knockouts in a four fight win streak since have lifted the Australian to the top of the heavyweight tree. He’s a real danger for the Dos Santos.

At light-heavyweight Glover Teixera and James Te Huna both love a knockout. This promises to be a real tear up and a contender for Fight of the Night honours.

The match up between Khabib Nurmagomedov and Abel Trujillo at lightweight is another interesting pairing. Two well-rounded, talented newcomers who both enjoyed impressive stoppage wins in their last fights.

UFC veteran Jeremy Stephens opens the undercards against former Strikeforce fighter Estevan Payan. Stephens has picked up three Knockout of the Night bonuses over the years. With three straight losses he’s in serious danger of being cut by UFC president Dana White. If Stephens comes out swinging these lightweights will open the night with a bang.

Football pundit and analyst Andy Gray with his thoughts on the all-German Champions League final on Saturday night at Wembley.

Bayern Munich v Borussia Dortmund, Live Sky Sports 1, 7.45pm

This has the potential to be a wonderful final with two of the most attractive teams in Europe this season going head-to-head for the ultimate prize.

They know each other well so hopefully we get a really open game that is attractive for the neutral. But I think Bayern have the advantage in that they’ve felt the pain of losing last year in the Allianz Arena and will be determined not to let that happen again.

Dortmund gave advance warning that they were a side to be reckoned with when they played last season’s Premier League champions Manchester City in the group stages. However, they’ve conceded 42 goals in the Bundesliga this season and that’s a lot for a team that who finished second – by a distance – to champions Bayern. If they have a weakness it’s in defence and that could spell disaster against a team like Munich who have multiple goalscorers.

If you want a straight win bet I’d have to go for Bayern at 4/5 but I do expect both teams to score given the amount of striking talent on show. That’s a 4/6 chance.

Robert Lewandowski is a real threat for Dortmund up front though and Paddy is taking a risk with his Money Back Special as the Polish striker – who got four against Real Madrid in the first leg of their semi- final – will be a danger all night. Munich are miserly when it comes to conceding goals and with Mario Mandzukic, Thomas Muller, Bastian Schweinsteiger and Mario Gomez all capable of getting goals – Dortmund’s defence will have their work cut out.

If we get the entertaining game I’m hoping for I can see Munich running out 3-1 or 4-2 winners and they’re 12/1 and 40/1 shots respectively to do that. If you don’t fancy predicting the score, Bayern to win by a two-goal margin is 4/1 and offers some value for money.

If you’re looking for a less obvious goalscorer Franck Ribery at 11/4 to score at anytime or 6/1 to score first for his team could be an alternative to some of the more fancied choices for Bayern.

Jakub Błaszczykowski scored 11 goals in 25 games for Dortmund this season and at 4/1 anytime or 13/2 to score first for his team also looks like a bit of value.

• Betting: Kick off with our Champions League coupon here 

In the pub the other night, I had a brain wave as to what bets I wanted to do over the weekend. I whipped out my iPhone (which isn’t the worse thing I’ve whipped out in a public place under the influence of alcohol in fairness) and spoke to the app, in the hope it would record my gambling genius. This was the result:

Yeah – it’s mental. And judging by the bizarre ’Aryan’ reference in the last one, not only is the app faulty, it’s also slightly racist too. In order to counteract some of the strangeness here (in the same order as the bets) are the sports which the bets apply to.

Bet 1: Football
Bet 2: Motorsport
Bet 3: Horse racing
Bet 4: Rugby Union
Bet 5: Football

Your job is to decipher what the hell I was talking about. If you need a guide, you could do worse than checking out last week’s competition. That last one is tough. I was the one talking to the app and I can’t even make sense of the gibberish it spouted back to me. Best of luck with that one. I reckon all the others are manageable if you devote some brain power to them.

The prize starts out as a Free €/£50 Bet, but every time this competition gets shared on Twitter, Facebook, Google+ or LinkedIn (you can use the buttons below for that) we’ll add an extra euro/pound to the total. That should boost the fund rather substantially and you might win that prize, so you should definitely do it.

The winner will be whoever gets the most correct answers right (it pretty much needs to be the whole answer, not just bits of it to be right). In the event we get more than one person tied on the same number of correct answers, the winner shall be drawn from Aidan’s hat of mystery.

Get your answers in before 10am on Monday, May 27, and I’ll announce the winner soon after.

Send your answer to competitions@paddypower.com with the subject line ‘Stop whipping things out in public under the influence of alcohol’. The inclusion or exclusion of a subject line will make absolutely no difference to your entry.

You can use the comments section for begging for clues or general observations on life, but NO ANSWERS please. If you want to contact me, you can do so using the Twitter machine where he’s @MinistryOfGlove.

Conditions
- Customers must be over the age of 18, have a valid paddypower.com account and not be offended by racist Speech to Text apps
– Maximum size of the free bet will be €/£150
- Paddy Power decision is final and moaning will be gleefully ridiculed in public

ARJEN ROBBEN – He won’t pass you the ball, but he will give you a hug

So it’s the Germans who are descending on Wembley. The numerous ‘Germans putting down their beach towels early’ gag has probably alerted you to that fact. It’s ok, Borussia Dortmund – we like you so we’ll let you get away with it:

Nettes Plätzchen für ein Picknick! // Nice spot for a picnic, isn't it? (Available at bit.ly/10hR8nf) http://t.co/WxSLewi0wr—
Borussia Dortmund (@BVB) May 23, 2013

For the fourth time in European Cup history teams from the same league will battle it out for the right to take Old Big Ears home. There’s been plenty of ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ style previews predicting a game closer than the odds suggest, but is that really what we should expect? Bayern finished miles ahead of Dortmund in the Bundesliga and handed Barcelona their asses on a plate in the semi-final, so they’re worthy favourites. Does league position make any difference when it comes to deciding ‘one nation’ European finals? The Paddy Power Blog has looked over the history books and found out that it probably does.

First of all, I should point out that there’s a limited sample size mainly due to the fact that prior to becoming the erroneously named ‘Champions League’ in 1992, it was impossible to have a one nation final because, ya know, it was actually for champions and not teams who scraped fourth place after vanquishing the mighty Wigan, QPR, Reading and Norwich in the closing weeks of the season.

To counteract that, I’ve also included the artist formerly known as the UEFA Cup finals too, a competition that gets about as much love as David Hasselhoff’s music in Britain, but is bizarrely popular elsewhere in Europe. I have bothered with the Cup Winners’ Cup or any other crap. In the 12 European finals that have been contested by teams from the same country, I’ve noticed the following trends:

• 66.66% have been won by the team who finished higher in the league that year
• 66.66% of one nation Champions League finals have gone the way of the team ranked lower in the league (but that’s only three games)
• 43% of single leg finals has finished 3-0

Yes, 66.66% isn’t  exactly ‘whopping‘, but it does suggest that league form can’t be discounted, not matter how much ‘don’t rule out the plucky underdogs’ shtick you get from the plucky underdogs. In the 12 ‘one nation’ finals, the winner has finished higher in the domestic leg a not insignificant eight times.

If we rather selectively apply to blinkers to only Champions League finals, the reverse is true, with the trophy going to the lower ranked team 66.66% of the time. In 2000, a Real Madrid team that finished two points behind Valencia in La Liga hockeyed los Ches 3-0 in the decider, while three years later, AC Milan overcame 15 point sized Serie A chasm to beat Juventus on penalties.

The problem for Borussia Dortmund is they ended up finishing so far behind Bayern that the league champions weren’t even a smug Bavarian dot on the horizon. 25 points was the difference as the players popped the champagne corks and although Jurgen Klopp insists it’s down to his team concentrating on their European campaign and free-wheeling their way through the closing weeks of the Bundesliga season, the gap is alarming.

The biggest gap ever overcome in a European Cup or UEFA Cup/Europa League final was Milan’s aforementioned victory. In 2007, an Espanyol team that finished 22 points behind Sevilla in La Liga took them to penalties, but that’s the only occasion a gap this substantial has been overcome. And that wasn’t even really overcome.

In other semi-useful snippets, three of the seven single leg European finals contested between domestic rivals have gone to penalties, most recently the Manchester United and Chelsea Champions League final in which John Terry’s standing leg collapsed faster than Andy Carroll’s market value. Oddly, three of the seven single leg finals have finished 3-0 to the bigger club (Real Madrid, Atletico Madrid and Inter Milan) and if you think that vague stat may continue this time around, it’s 14/1 that Bayern win by that scoreline this time around.

90 minutes is all that stands between two sides and the chance to walk out on the turf at Old Trafford, Anfield and the Emirates, be slated by Gary Neville on Monday Night Football and cash in on a massive £120 million. That’s enough to pay for Cristiano Ronaldo and a whole new back four.

Crystal Palace face Watford at Wembley on Monday evening in what is being touted as the richest game in sport. After some extensive research using the Google machine we’re fairly certain it is up there and it blows other major sporting events out of the water.

• £120 million – Play-off Final
• £47 million – Champions League Final
• £1.15 million – Wimbledon winner
• £500,000 – Grand National winner
• £58,000 – Super Bowl winner
• £100 – Crufts winner

It is a mind-blowing figure when you see it written down. Borussia Dortmund and Bayern Munich will play for the greatest prize in club football on Saturday night, but in terms of winnings the play-off final is worth two and a half times more. Andy Murray probably won’t win Wimbledon, but even if he did he’d still be £118.5 million behind the victors at Wembley on Monday night.

Although we hate to burst the Championship bubble, the figure that is banded around by the press might be £120 million, but when you break that down it isn’t exactly what the clubs will be pocketing.

Play-off Final Doughnut
Breaking down the £120 million purse

The winners will cash in on around £55 million from TV income and the right to be featured on Match Of The Day. You also get the privilege of having Mark Lawrenson projectile vomit some tired footballing cliches over the BBC’s couch and ruin your Saturday evening.

Another £5 million comes from a few glory-hunters jumping on the Premier League band wagon and the club benefits from selling tickets, replica shirts and practically anything big enough to feature the crest.

Half of the £120 million cheque is actually in parachute payments, just in case the club spectacularly fail in the Premier League and come crashing back into the Championship after nine months of getting thrashed. A bit of an unfair judgement by the Premier League considering 17 of the last 30 promoted teams have survived their first season in the top flight, but probably wise.

There is Premier League status up for grabs though and that means more than just a few bob in the Chairman’s pocket. A leap into the country’s top flight means a chance to play regularly in the biggest league in Europe and for these young players it is a huge step in their career. For some it is step too far of course, but don’t forget for every Andrew Johnson we get a Gareth Bale.

Watford are the 11/8 favourites with Crystal Palace priced up at 21/10 and it is 11/5 to be all square after 90 minutes.

Who will hold their nerve in the £120 million match? Dive in to the latest odds and take advantage of Paddy’s MBS here

I’ve always been a nibbler, especially of biscuits. Toffee Pops, if you’re offering. But thanks to a combination of never-ending national economic turmoil, a personal savings strategy loosely based on Arthur 2, and a fondness for placing bets after a few shandies, this weekend presents a starting point to punt my way to a better wedding.

• Monaco GP.
• Champions League Final.
• Froch v Kessler II.
• Donegal v Tyrone.
• Temple Stakes at Haydock.

I’VE GOT THE POWER: Sole Power, that is, who races in the Temple Stakes

Sport on a Saturday or Sunday doesn’t get much better than this weekend. Actually, I’m even missing the Froch fight as have been summoned to the future in-laws for a night of Excel-sheet planning and red wine. Ain’t that a punch in the head.

I’m starting with a £100 kitty and will try to turn that into at least £3,000, by the first week of November 2013. Each Friday, in gruesome detail, I’ll reveal which weekend sports events I believe are worth a punt and previous results. You can choose to follow that advice, or simply join in the laughter when I have to approach the guy who sings into a soggy chipbag outside my local to be my wedding band. Or my wife if this all goes horribly wrong.

Must avoid a Froch-ing nightmare

These bets will swerve between straight-up, sure-fire steamers and ridiculous long shots. But, hey, ask any bookie – sport is bat-shit crazy so anything can happen, and usually does.

Oh, let’s just keep this all to ourselves too, as I don’t want the fiancée to find out. Yet. Balls out on the first week.

I asked PP for a pay rise. He said no chance, and suggested the best he could do was a tip for his mum’s horse, Sole Power, who runs in the Temple Stakes at Haydock on Saturday. Cheers, Paddy. Thought hard about that one, didn’t you?

Otherwise, after seeing the shape Carl Froch was in during his Friday afternoon weigh-in, I’m all aboard that train ahead of his IBF super-middleweight title at the O2 in London on Saturday night.

May 24 wedding fund bets | week one

• Sole Power, 2/1, Temple Stakes at Haydock (5 points)
• Froch to beat Kessler outright 4/9 (5 points)

Betting scale

• 1-point bet. Finger of fudge (having a nibble)
• 2-point bet. Milky Way (snack)
• 3-point bet. Purple Snack (fancy it)
• 4-point bet. Biscuit Yorkie (All over this)
• 5-point bet. Pack of Hob-Nobs (lumping on)

Twitter: @paulmallon1

Sergio Gracia overstepped the mark mid-week when he resurrected Fuzzy Zoeller’s 1998 slur after Tiger Woods had won his first Major by claiming that Woods at his first Masters dinner might serve ‘fried chicken or collared greens … or whatever the hell they serve’.

Both subsequently apologised but here are some of the top 15 put-downs in sports by masters of their trade.

TWO’S A CROWD: Becks swaps Posh for James Corden

1. Bestie tells it straight

“He cannot kick with his left foot, he cannot head a ball, he cannot tackle and he doesn’t score many goals. Apart from that he’s alright.”
George Best sums up the many talents of David Beckham.

2. Brandes hits McGrath for six

Q: “Hey, Brandes, why are you so fucking fat?” A: “Cos every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit!”
Aussie paceman Glenn McGrath and Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes‘ killer response.

3. Botham bowls Marsh over

Q: “So how are your wife and my kids?”A: “The wife’s fine, the kids are retarded.”
An exchange between Rod Marsh, the Australia wicketkeeper, and Ian Botham, the England all-rounder who replied.

4. Mr Hurley before Liz got hold of him

Shane Warne: “I’ve been waiting two years to make you look stupid again.” Daryll Cullinan: “You look like you spent it eating.”
Cullinan’s biting put down to a portly Shane Warne.

5. Fergie’s not pasta his prime

“When an Italian tells me it’s pasta on the plate I check under the sauce to make sure.”
Sir Alex Ferguson gives his views on the Italians.

6. Just not cricket

“Oi, Tufnell, can I borrow your brain? I’m building an idiot.”
A spectator to England spinner Phil Tufnell.

GAZZA: Not very popular with the Norwegians

7. Gazza, have you a message for Norway?

“Yes. Fuck off, Norway.”
Paul Gascoigne when asked by a Norwegian television network and asked if he would care to send a message to Norway.

8. Equal pay not Krajicek’s priority

“Eighty per cent of the top 100 women are fat pigs who don’t deserve equal pay.”
Richard Krajicek, the 1996 Wimbledon champion, on why there should not be equal pay. Later, he clarified his comments, saying, “What I meant to say was that only 75 per cent are fat pigs.” Charming.

9. McEnroe gets an umpire in his sights

“You can’t see as well as these fucking flowers – and they’re fucking plastic!”
John McEnroe to a line judge at the US Open in 1980.

10. Barker gets up close and personal

“You were 33-1 to win the Six Nations this year. Now you are 16-1. If you can keep Henson out of Church going into it, what are the chances?”
Sue Barker makes an ill-judged joke in 2005 when speaking to the Wales rugby head coach about his star player Gavin Henson, who had started dating Charlotte Church.

11. Ali pulls no punches

“Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.”
Muhammad Ali’s taunt before their first heavyweight title fight in 1971 that Joe Frazier took very personally – particularly when Ali then called him an Uncle Tom.

12. Carlton Palmer football genius

“He covers every blade of grass, but that’s only because his first touch is crap.”
Dave Jones on Carlton Palmer’s footballing skills.

NOW LISTEN HERE OLD CHAP: Roy Keane gives Alan Shearer some advice

13. Roy’s Keane to have his say

“You were a crap player, you are a crap manager. The only reason I have any dealings with you is that somehow you are manager of my country and you’re not even Irish, you English ****. You can stick it up your bollocks.”
What Roy Keane allegedly said to Mick McCarthy, the Ireland manager, that got him sent home from the 2002 World Cup. Keane is now a ‘respected’ pundit.

14. Feherty putts Furyk down

“Like an octopus falling out of a tree.”
David Feherty, the former Irish golfer, passes comment on Jim Furyk’s swing.

15. Pep’s talk a knock-out blow

“Lie down so I can recognise you.”
Willie Pep, the American featherweight boxer, when asked by an old opponent if he recognised him.”

European football expert Graham Hunter has three bets out of left field for the neutral in the all-German Champions League Final on Saturday night at Wembley.

If you’d blindfolded David, tied one arm behind his back and replaced the stone in his sling with cotton wool you’d STILL have a bigger crowd of backers on him to win his one-on-one with Goliath than those favouring  Borussia Dortmund on Saturday night.

Even though we saw Manchester United beat Bayern Munich without Paul Scholes and Roy Keane in 1999, Barcelona beat United in 2009 without Eric Abidal, Rafa Marquez and Dani Alves,  Chelsea beat Bayern without John Terry, Branislav  Ivanovic, Ramires and Raul Meireles – the absence of Mario Gotze seems to have been taken as the end of Dortmund’s hopes.

Lukasz Piszczek needs a hip operation post final because he’s in persistent pain. And if Mats Hummels starts then the spotlight will be trained right on him because of the ankle problem which he suffered in defeat against Hoffenheim last weekend.

The theory is that Gotze is so outstanding, such an important gateway for Dortmund’s high energy, vertical playing philosophy – that his absence is disastrous.

Bayern are football’s Terminators.

In summary they’ve scored a million goals this season, teams are petrified to score against them in case they get a knuckle sandwich, everyone’s in perfect form, each of their players is quicker, taller, stronger than their rivals. As they’d say in Goodfellas: ‘Forget about it’.

And all joking aside, Jupp Heynckes’ side are tremendous to watch and a real swine (or Schweini) to play against.

Having dominated Dortmund domestically this season, Supercup, German Cup, Bundesliga, it really would be a massive setback for Bayern not to complete the set with the Champions League trophy which their butter-fingers let slip 12 months ago against Chelsea.

And if you want to put your sterling, your Euros or even the odd Deutschmark from down the back of the sofa on Bayern the evidence keeps on mounting to say you’re spot on.

Dortmund’s key player, Robert Lewandowski, is off to Bayern once the final is over so who knows how he’ll handle the pressure of leading the line against his new employers?

Ripped out fingernails

Bayern romped to Wembley against Juventus and Barcelona on an 11-0 aggregate scoreline while Dortmund ripped out all their fingernails while clinging on for wins against Malaga and Real Madrid.

An open and shut case – right?

Possibly so.  However it’s a fact that in the last 10 matches between the sides, in all competitions, Dortmund have won five and drawn two – not a bad record.

Equally, it’s just a year since Jurgen Klopp’s side won the German Cup final 5-2 against a Bayern XI which, barring the injuries to Holger Badstuber and Toni Kroos, could feasibly start on Saturday night.

Whether or not you fancy Bayern to ultimately do the logical thing and win there may be one or two factors worth taking into account.

• In seven of those last 10 matches between the sides Dortmund have scored the first goal.
• Of the three previous European Cup finals between teams from the same country familiarity hasn’t bred contempt – but penalty shoot-outs instead

AC Milan beat Juve on spot-kicks in 2003, Manchester United did the same to Chelsea in 2008 and if you consider that of the four matches between Bayern and Dortmund this season there have been two draws and two single-goal wins for the Bundesliga champions then perhaps extra time and penalties aren’t wildly fanciful.

Then there is the theme which the bashful, inarticulate, wallflower Dortmund coach Jurgen Klopp himself introduced.

GERMAN MENACE: Lewandowski, Klopp, Muller and Bond baddie Blofeld

Ahead of the final he said:

Bayern want the Bundesliga to be a one- team league. It’s like James Bond but they aren’t Bond, they are the other guy. They want to dominate Europe and Germany for a decade.

Klopp also admits that when he heard that Gotze had been bought out of his contract by Bayern Munich it devastated him for a night – enough to make him miss his friend starring in a movie Premier and the red carpet, Rolls Royce evening which was in store for Herr and Frau Klopp by association.

In one fell swoop with his Bond-villain quotes he managed to make this a grudge match and to invoke ‘underdog’ sympathy for his side.

This isn’t a tie which generally produces a flood of red cards, although Rafinha was sent off during the recent Bundesliga draw, and there have only been two red cards in European Cup finals – Arsenal ‘keeper Jens Lehmann and Didier Drogba in 2006 and 2008 respectively.

Good luck to Italian ref Nicola Rizzoli who has issued only four red cards in 39 Uefa club matches. Perhaps, just perhaps, he’ll augment that total.

Now, given that it’s the last vital club game of my working season I’m going to indulge on that sixth-sense ‘instinct’ call. Only two players, Samel Eto’o and Raul Gonzalez, have scored in two Champions League finals and Thomas Muller, is a punt of mine to score in two consecutively.

It’s hard to envisage Dortmund having a chance unless Lewandowski provides them with a goal but Nuri Sahin is a massive favourite of Klopp’s and it’s feasible that a weight of responsibility will fall on his shoulders now that Gotze is out. A surprise goal or man of the match?

It could easily be hostile, it’ll be passionate, noisy and intense. Get your bets on, get the beers in sit back and enjoy a cracker.

Graham’s best bets for the Champions League final:

• Muller time:  Thomas to score for Bayern in consecutive finals
• Early bath: What are the odds on a red card being shown?
• Too close to call: See our extra-time and penalties market
• Sahin surprise: What price the man of the match award

This week @AmyEustace ponders whether Gareth Bale is the man to save British football, and why he needs to stay in the Premier League.

The word ‘British’ used to simply denote origin, but in recent years it has taken on a strange, contemporary slant. Just ask Andy Murray – now, spoken in the context of anyone who has achieved great things in their field, ‘British’ tends to mean, ‘They’re not actually English, but we want you all to assume that they are so we can feel better about ourselves’. It’s a tag honourably bestowed on those that are so good the English would be happy to claim them – otherwise, they’re simply Welsh, Scottish, or, more rarely, Northern Irish.

On that logic, enter English football’s answer to Murray: Gareth Bale.

It’s been some time since the world has witnessed a football prodigy of his calibre emerge from England. Not, at least, since Wayne Rooney set the stage alight with whispers of ‘world-class’ for the first time since the English old guard (made up of the likes of Lampard, Gerrard, Terry, Cole and Fergie’s United ‘kids’) stamped their mark on the Premier League era.

Rooney and his predecessors were a boon for the English national team’s chances at re-establishing some form of international dominance (a patently false hope), but Bale, on the other hand, despite his potential for club greatness, will probably only ever strive towards qualification for international competition and stagnant mediocrity with Wales.

His importance for the reputation of the league, though, can’t be underestimated…even if there is no sight more cringe-worthy than a grown man making a heart with his hands at a TV camera.

At 23, the Welshman is already running out of space on his mantelpiece for individual honours and this season, he left various award ceremonies looking like Adele coming out of the Grammys. Named PFA Player of the Year, Young Player of the Year and FWA Player of the Year (and that’s just the plaudits of 2012), Bale has won just about every domestic gong for personal achievement, but no winners medals to speak of for his club’s efforts. With Spurs having narrowly missed out on qualification, I suspect he’d trade it all for the opening violin strains of the Champions League anthem.

A meteoric acceleration in form over the past three seasons has seen the once average second-tier left-back turned sensational Premier League midfielder become the player on which all of Spurs’ hopes are now hinged. Who could have imagined, when he signed from Southampton in 2007, that an 18-year-old Welsh lad would be the key to their dream of establishing themselves as a top four side, and a force to be reckoned with in Europe to boot? Back then, the north London club were comfortable in the top half of the table but challenging somewhere in the middle for the last few UEFA League spots, while Bale was a fresh-faced, fast but flawed defender.

Tottenham’s Goal machine

Now, he’s the league’s hottest property. With a new, unrestrained role handed down to him by André Villas-Boas, Bale has scored many of his 26 goals this season as a sort of second-striker. Yet, even with 21 league goals from the man himself, Spurs finished the season a point shy of local rivals Arsenal, missing out on the Champions League spot that would most likely have made Bale’s extended stay in north London a sure thing.

His contribution has been sorely needed, with strike partners Jermain Defoe and Emmanuel Adebayor clocking up woefully average seasons with just 23 between the pair. The effect of Bale’s scoring focus is that his creative input has been hampered – he managed just 4 league assists, compared with 11 last season, but in total he created 75 chances, placing him in the league’s top ten in terms of key passes.

“To play the way we have also but to miss out on our objective is very disappointing,” said the winger, and it must have struck a nerve to come so close and yet so far, after carrying a club squarely on his shoulders for the best part of the year.

Instead of humiliating Inter Milan right-backs in the Champions League as he is wont to do, Spurs will have to settle for being Europa League playmates with relegated Wigan. But Bale has a choice; he needn’t settle at all.

BALE FORCE: Gareth Bale tore Inter Milan a new one in the Champions League

The Welshman has hinted heavily at staying at Spurs, and if that’s the decision he has made, then it’s daringly loyal, patient and sensible. Granted, at his age, he has plenty of years ahead of him to match his extensive list of personal honours with club trophies, and at least at Spurs he has a degree of certainty as to his place in the team – unlike his former teammate Luka Modric, who has found that perhaps the move from London to Madrid has involved a competition for places he was not quite prepared for.

Indeed, Real Madrid are one of the clubs who have apparently expressed interest in Bale – Sergio Ramos has described him as a ‘Real Madrid-quality signing’. A move there would mean a tussle for supremacy with Cristiano Ronaldo (if the Old Trafford homing call doesn’t prove irresistible). Bale may have evolved beyond the confines of his club and league in terms of reputation, but actively going toe-to-toe with the Portuguese forward and matching him in his perennial battle of one-upsmanship with Lionel Messi is about as likely as Tony Pulis replacing José Mourinho.

If Bale was to move elsewhere now, he’d open up a divergence of paths, some of which lead to true legendary status at a ridiculously young age, while others lead to the burning out of a very bright star indeed. The ‘one-man team’ label Spurs have been given has its obvious downsides, but for Bale the advantage is a squad built to serve his needs. A summer of retirements, sackings and moves has made Tottenham, manager-wise at least, one of the most stable clubs around. With a good summer of transfer market activity under their belt, they could more than close the narrow gap between them and the current top four.

Best in England Europe the world

On the other hand, Bale could buck the trend of British players moving abroad after they’ve peaked and become one of the few to truly adapt to life on the continent, hammering down the accent á la Joey Barton. Instead of waiting around for Spurs to qualify for Europe’s top competition, he could give winning it a shot.

But this summer, in the absence of a major international competition to keep the anticipation at bay, the sense of unpredictability surrounding the coming Premier League season is mouth-watering. With so many stalwarts hanging up their boots (and hairdryers), who wouldn’t want to be around when the shit hits the figurative fan, and the English football hierarchy has its first real shake-up since the early 90s?

As Juan Mata put it earlier in the season, “Gareth is, right now, one of the best in the world. Not just in England, not just in Europe – in the world.”

The last thing the Premier League could use at the moment is the departure of a potential legend, and the inevitable dent it would make in Spurs’ competitiveness. Bale is the hero that the Premier League deserves, and he might just be exactly what it needs right now.

Can Bale guide Tottenham to Champions League football next season? Check out their odds for a top four finish here

The Europa League just got interesting

• The Europa League, up to around about the semi-final stage, has got to be the most tedious club competition in history, but it just got that bit more interesting. At present, it’s just the Champions League’s less good-looking, more attainable sister, however UEFA are expected to confirm today that from 2015 winning the competition will mean automatic qualification for a shot at the real prize the following season, without otherwise affecting the amount of places afforded to the top teams in a domestic league. Hopefully this will help Emmanuel Adebayor to distinguish between the two tournaments by something other than the theme music.

Toothless aggression

• Meanwhile in Argentina, not content with the usual fare of coins, beach balls and other miscellaneous objects, a disgruntled fan threw a set of dentures at Argentinos Juniors Coach Ricardo Lombardi during a match against Belgrano. Argentinos were losing 3-1 to Belgrano and are under serious threat of relegation. No wonder the fan was fed up to the back teeth…

Think before you ink

• Dortmund fans are great. Great, but also fully insane, like this one who had Jurgen Klopp’s open-mouthed face tattooed on his upper back. Unfortunately for him and his fellow supporters, a clairvoyant German elephant called Nelly has predicted that they will lose the final. Paul the Octopus is so 2010.

Matt Chapman | Irish 2,000 Guineas

This is a fascinating race for Aidan O’Brien with Magician, who many people thought would be in the Derby after the win at Chester the other day. He was really impressive there and beat Contributor by four lengths in the Dee Stakes. Quite clearly Ryan Moore has said to Aidan O’Brien this horse has plenty of speed, otherwise there is no other explanation for dropping back two furlongs for the 2000 Guineas. That will be music to the team’s ears because what they love to hear is that one of their horses has plenty of speed.

However, I’m not convinced by Magician at all for this classic. This is a false favourite.

Let’s face some facts.

• He couldn’t win a Leopardstown maiden on his debut.
• He couldn’t win a maiden at Dundalk.
• He eventually won a Curragh maiden but he was odds-on to do so, so it wasn’t a very strong contest.
• He then finished last in a Group three at Leopardstown and come back in a five runner Dee Stakes at Chester. He started favourite despite those previous performances but he was against horses rated 99, 89, 101 and 91.

And all of a sudden he is the favourite for the Irish 2,000 Guineas? Can’t be having that at the prices and he simply isn’t worthy of his current price, with plenty of value in the race.

The obvious opposition is Van Der Neer, because he finished third behind Dawn Approach in the 2,000 Guineas at Newmarket and that is the single best piece of form in this race. However, what we know about Van Der Neer is that he is a pretty decent horse, he’s going to be there or there abouts, but he is eminently beatable.

Trading Leather is a fascinating horse. I went to see Dawn Approach before he won the 2,000 Guineas and Jim Bolger tapped me on my little shoulder and told me not to forget about Trading Leather. But he needs fast ground. He ran very well in the Dante at York and he is bred to be more of a miler, than a mile-and-a-half horse and he has a great chance. He could win this for Bolger but the ground won’t be fast enough for him so he is worth taking on.

Johnny Murtagh definitely won’t be training the winner with Fort Knox or Ask Dad. I’m surprised Sheikh Mohammed has coughed up the money for Fort Knox.

The smart bet is an Aidan O’Brien horse who had an absolute shocker at Newmarket last time out and that is George Vancouver. He was very disappointing in the 2,000 Guineas when he was beaten 15 lengths by Dawn Approach at a big price. But don’t forget this was a horse that was good enough to win the Breeders’ Cup Juvenile Turf and he was just three and a half lengths behind Dawn Approach in the Dewhurst, which was closer to Dawn Approach than Van Der Neer happened to do in the 2,000 Guineas.

At the prices, George Vancouver is well worth an each-way bet in the Irish 2,000 Guineas. It’s Gorgeous George all over again for me. 

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