The field for the British Open has finally been decided – it’s that field over there – Royal Birkdale. Boom, boom! As has been the norm at most majors in recent years, we usually expect Tiger Woods to run away with it like Ronnie Wood with a Russian teenager, but without the world number one, the picture looks vastly different. Luke Donald, Darren Clarke, teenage sensation [calm down Ronnie] Rory McIlroy and Jose Maria Olazabal are amongst the high profile and difficult to spell names that won’t be there, but for some reason Jean Van Der Welde will be. Presumably organisers invited him along for a laugh in the hope he’ll do something crazy - the addition of a new obstacle made up of a strippers’ pole, feather boa and Shirley Bassey back catalogue on the 18th fairway being a particularly strong clue.
We’re running the rule over some of the contenders so that a new audience can build familiarity, which must be marketing speak for slagging them off, because that’s what we’re really going to do.
Sergio Garcia: Favourite for the event. Can’t understand why. Must have friends in the Paddy Power golf trading department. Lost in a playoff last year, but he’s about as robust as a candy floss helmet.
Ernie Els: Possibly named after a character on Sesame Street, Els hasn’t done a huge amount of winning in recent times. Won this event in 2002 and he looks reliable, if unspectacular. A bit like an accountant.
Phil Mickelson: Barely likes getting up off his sofa, let alone travelling across the Atlantic to play golf. He’ll probably miss the cut just so he can be back in the good ol U S of A by Friday evening.
Lee Westwood:A crash diet has led to an upturn in form. His decrease in bulk has increased his chances of winning a Major.
To save time and e-trees, we’re going to condense our profiles into categories:
Will Lead After The 1st Round, Get Everyone’s Hopes Up And Then Choke
Justin Rose
B.P.W.H.W.A.M.Y.A.M.D.I.T.W.
(Best Players Who Haven’t Won A Major Yet And Might Do It This Week)
Sergio Garcia, Adam Scott, Andres Romero, Paul Casey, Henrik Stenson, Martin Kaymer (who’s Mum died last week and given that the Open has a history of fairytale stories, we would love to see it happen again), Anthony Kim, who has been in great form on the US Tour so far this year.
B.P.W.H.W.A.M.Y.A.P.W.D.I.T.W.B.W.H.A.G.T.T
(Best Players Who Haven’t Won A Major Yet And Probably Won’t Do It This Week But Will Have A Good Time Trying)
Colin Montgomerie, Miguel Angel Jimenez – the world’s largest importer of Cuban cigars, Rocco Mediate, who probably missed his chance against a crippled Tiger Woods at the US Open. Camilio Villegas, who looks like he’s trying to hump the green every time he lines up a putt.
Just Watch Them Cause They’re A Bit Mad
John Daly, the winner of this event in 1995 who hasn’t earned the nickname Wild Thing from sitting in his hotel room reading Dan Brown novels.
Ian Poulter who’ll wear an outfit that will lead people to question his sexuality and will probably sign the lens of a BBC camera at some stage during the week.
Pat Perez who constantly seems on the verge of a mental breakdown.
Retief Goosen, who seems quiet but will try to get his sponsor’s logo in every camera shot and try to mention them about eight times in any interview.
Jean Van Der Welde if Carnoustie wasn’t enough, he was threatening to join the Ladies’ Tour in protest at women being allowed to play in certain men’s tournaments.
Boo Weekley not a great golfer, but he’s a couple of holes short of a back nine.
Brandt Snedeker – broke down in tears at the Masters. Liable to do it again.
Increasingly Desperate To Revive Former Glories
Ben Curtis, Todd Hamilton, David Duval, Greg Norman, Mark O’Meara, Phillip Walton, Paul Lawrie.
The Honourary Germans - You Just Can’t Write Them Off
Padraig Harrington – who tells us his cholesterol is going through the floor, Jim Furyk, Vijay Singh, Angel Cabrera, Trevor Immelman, Justin Leonard, Robert Allenby, Stuart Appleby, Mike Weir
The Outside Bets
Richard Green who’s very much in form and is a good links golfer, Alexander Noren – a rising star on the European Tour, Nick Dougherty who’s record at the Majors is finally improving.