All you need to know to sound as if you've actually been paying attention to the General Election
Even if you’ve had your head buried deep in Jedward’s combined anus and couldn’t have cared less about the Irish General Election, you can’t have failed to notice that something political in nature has been happening for the last three weeks or so.
Random people walking up your driveway but none of them wearing Halloween costumes; people handing you bits of paper with vague promises they think you’ll like but have no intention of actually doing written on them; a sudden lack of Jennifer Aniston movies on RTE1 of a Wednesday night – these are all hallmarks of a nation about to head to the polls and elect the people they see fit to govern the country with unwavering ineptitude for the next five years.
We’ve got a massive election
But the end is near and even if it’s sounds about as appealing as a prostate exam from Freddie Kruger, it might be time to jump aboard the politics bandwagon and have a few tidbits up your sleeve in attempt to give the impression you actually care about society and wouldn’t actually prefer go off and live in the woods, eating berries, being mates with all the animals and masturbating at will.
The major storylines are fairly well known; Enda Kenny (pictured above pretending he knows how the f*ck to throw an American football) is about as popular as a free trip to a Syria; Labour TDs are about to become rarer than actual functioning Luas’s; Angela Merkel is still really the one in charge.
Anyhoo, Paddy Power have put together some of the biggest stories of the campaign in betting terms and stuck them on this handy image that will actually make you sound quite knowledgable about politics should the need arise.
There’s some interesting stuff in there. Danny Healy-Rae is the most backed candidate in the entire country! All of it! And with such musical gold as this, it’s no wonder why why he’s .
‘But what are his actual policies and philosophies regarding the progression of society?’
‘Shut up, he made this banging tune.’
- Niall O’Tuathaill (Galway West) has been the biggest market mover of the election. When he started, he was a 33/1 outsider, now he’s just to land a padded seat in Leinster House.
- Joan Burton has gone from a sure thing to retain her seat to potentially the biggest casualty of the election. and is to get back in.
- Jerry Buttimer of Cork South Central might want to update his LinkedIn profile having gone from 1/4 banker for a seat out to
As for the bigger picture of who will be in charge of reporting in to Lord Merkel, Fine Gael are still likely to top the poll. Even if their current struggles represent a disappointing return on their ‘we’ve saved the economy, aren’t we great?’ message, the Blueshirts are actually predicted to gain six seats more than we had guessed abou 12 months ago – the spread is 51.5 now versus 45.5 then.
On the same measure, Fianna Fail are also big winners moving the line from 30.5 Dail seats 12 months ago to 39.5 now while Sinn Fein and Labour are moving in the wrong direction
Will the polls call it right? Will there be enough agreement to actually form a government? Will Micheal get into bed with Enda?
In one sense we’ll all be put out of our misery once the results start flowing in some time on Saturday, but in another much more profound way, the misery will continue for the forseeable future no matter who wins. Yay for democracy.