FFS Jose. All we needed you to do was play six at the back and pinch a point in a depressing 0-0 draw, just like on Monday. Then we could have got yet more publicity from a pop-up sign which literally cost our marketing department £12.50 and a pack of custard creams. Anyway, before Manchester United got a 4-0 spanking at the hands of Chelsea on Sunday afternoon, here’s how we reserved the returning Mourinho a very special parking space…

Ahead of the Special One’s return to his former club, we have marked out an exclusive spot for the Portuguese in front of Stamford Bridge, where he is expected to adopt similar spoiling tactics to those which undermined United’s much-hyped clash with Liverpool on Monday night.

This defensive approach, dubbed ‘parking the bus’ by critics, became Mourinho’s trademark while at Chelsea, and his go-to tactic for big matches like this afternoon’s.

In many ways, Jose deploying his favourite team-shape at Stamford Bridge would represent the bus returning to its depot.

So we have decided to mark the occasion, quite literally, on the road outside the Bridge, with a parking space and large banner that should stand out a mile off.

A bit like the world’s most expensive player lining up in a team with six defenders.

Spokesman Lee Price said: “Before this week, tactically-speaking, we hadn’t seen Jose’s special one for a while. But now we expect to see two outings in quick succession– a bit like London buses.”